Save Me, save You
by DeerInTheHeadlight
Summary: Meet, Lie, Love, reveal.
1. Liar, liar, pants on fire

Save You, save Me

Chapter 1.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

People tend to lie. It's a natural habit of every human being. Small ones, big ones, it doesn't matter. I can't recall the first time I've ever lied to somebody, but what I'm pretty positive about is that it was to my parents. It almost feels like it's what makes us human. There are many types of lies, too. The ones you say to make someone feel better, the rumour-orientated ones, that are planned to make somebody hurt, the ones you tell because you get some kind of benefit out of it, or the ones, that are covering some spots in your life which you don't want anyone to know about. I still remember the first time I was rumoured about, and for everyone believing it at first, I was devastated. I grew out of it. But as much as I can tell, people will never grow out of lying.

* * *

„You don't realize how much I need you" She stuttered.

„Ash.."

"No, just listen," she hung her head. „ Ever since I came here, I don't feel lost anymore." She breathed, it was just a whisper. "And I'm asking you with no shame to stay with me, please. I don't care how pathetic I look or sound right now. I need you.." She left the sentence hang in the air.

„You really don't get it, do you?" I asked, my tone couldn't have been any more sad. She narrowed her eyes.

„Whatever do you mean?" She scanned my face. I pushed myself up, almost furiously rushing over to her, gripping her arms, pulling her closer to me. Her face was only inches away. I felt her heart beating faster, and so was mine. I think if you listened closely, it would sound like a bomb going off every time it beats a beat.

„I can't, because of this" I put her palm on my chest. My heart literally felt like it was about to explode inside me, and it was only because I was so near of spilling the truth finally. She looked confused. I let her hands go, they fell with no control down next to her thighs, where they were naturally hanging before.

„You still don't get it." I sighed as I threw one last shirt into my lagguage.

„I'm sorry" was the only thing that was able to slip from my mouth, when I saw a tear rolling down her cheek. "But I can't keep on lying to you, you're not just some friend to me, Ashley. I'm in love with you." I pushed on every word carefully as her eyes widened. I let most of the air out of my lungs before grabbing my lagguage, walking out of the room she stayed standing in, still.

* * *

So people do lie, and so do I. I've been lying for months. But at one point you just grow so tired of it, that you can't keep on going. I hopped in my car, her scent was still lingering in the air, because for long months she was the only one I've been driving around with.

I couldn't move my foot over the accelerator..


	2. The occurence

Chapter 2.

The occurence

Every story has a beginning. So does mine and Ashley's. I've always imagined beginnings very bright and happy, because in fact, they were. Careless and free. No problems attached, no worries giving you a hard time at night falling asleep. But also at times, they seem fake. Just because you want to be accapted, liked, being thought of as a cool, maybe even a different person. Well, it was kind of both with me and Ashley.

* * *

It was quiet a cold winter night. As much as I hated how the freezing wind blew right into my face, it was still pretty as the leaves were swirling around on the ground in front of me. It hadn't snowed yet.

I wasn't paying attention to what was going on on the street, until I heard a girl scream on the top of her lungs. My head popped up right away, and it was before my eyes, the girl with the long dark hair, pushed onto the wall of a tumbledown house, gasping for air and freedom. I dropped my purse and grabbed the man's head from behind, pushing it against the wall, right next to where the girl's head was placed. I was in pretty good shape back then, and as I let go of his head, he dropped unconscious. I still remember clearly, that expression on her face when she finally was able to breathe again. She just stood there frozen, never taking her eyes off of me. I was breathing fiercely in and out, my heart was racing, looking down at the guy then back up at the girl.

„Are you alright?" I finally asked. Stupid question. She slowly nodded, I could clearly see the fear in her eyes. Then I realized she might be scared of me, too.

„I'm not going to hurt you" I said softly, looking down her body. She had her clothes ripped. I quickly took off my coat and stepped towards her, making her try and step away from me immediately, causing her head to crush a bit against the wall behind her.

„It's okay," I continued. „Just don't want you to catch a cold." I tried to reach her again, and this time, she let me put my coat around her.

„Are you sure you're okay?" I was making sure.

'Yes" She said with bated breath.

„Here, I'll take you home." I offered her my hand, and she grabbed on it with no further quiestions. I directed her to my car and opened the door for her.

„I'm Spencer." I tried to start a conversation. I knew she was still shocked, and I wanted to snap her out of it.

„Ashley" She said, her voice was a little raspy and as it's reached my ears, it made chills run down my spine, in the best way possible.

„It's nice to meet you, Ashley." She didn't look at me. I started up the car.

„So, where to?" I asked, and she told me the adress, though still glancing at me unsure. Guess she was still afraid of me, kidnapping her.

„Don't worry, I'm gonna get you home safe." I assured her, trying to put all kindness in the world into my words, flashing a small smile towards her, which she did not return.

As we were driving down the forestside, it's slowly started to snow. I glanced at her slightly, she had an expression of a child on her face as she noticed it. I slowly pulled up the car, and she looked at me with a question mark written all over her face.

„I'd like to catch snowflakes." I imitated a litte girl, even pitched my voice up a bit, making it sound higher than usual. She was hiding a smile. I got out and so did she, closing up my coat on her body, wrapping her arms around herself. I held my head up high, so I would be facing the sky. The snowflakes fell on my cheeks, my eyes, my lips.

„I love it when it's snowing." She stated.

And that was the only thing she's said to me that night. When I took her home, she gave me back my coat with a frustrated smile and waited until I drove off, and without even saying goodbye, we've separated.

Even though circumstanses were not the nicest, I wasn't able to get her out of my head the whole way I was driving home that winter night.


	3. The trip home

Chapter 3.

_The trip home_

Destiny has its ways to put certain persons in your way more than just one time.

It's dragged me together with my elementary school teacher several times, always saying our goodbies only after hours of wise speaking. It was quite nice, even though she sometimes got carried away with her life, but still, those moments were very remarkable in my life.

And so was the day, destiny or fate - after everything that had happened I'm quite unsure about how to call it - has brought the scared-looking, dark haired girl back in my life once again.

* * *

"Spencer" A voice called out my name firmly. I was seated pretty uncomfortably that night, and for God's sake, as much as I adored travelling by train, I wanted to be out of there as soon as possible. I was already toss and turning when I heard my name and met the gaze that was burning into mine suddenly.

"Guess you took my seat" She slightly smirked. As the train started moving slowly again, I realized what she meant.

"Oh, sorry" I tried extenuating myself with some stupid excuse but then just shut up and let her take her seat that was right next to me.

For long minutes none of us said a word. She's made this whole 'I've met you before' scene very uncomfortable.

"Sooo.." I said, pronouncing the word slowly, obviously trying to make a point with it.

"Oh" She heaved a surpised breath. We're supposed to talk to each other. Right."

It came out of her mouth, it did not even seem like she was talking to me, more than just saying it to herself, and at first I thought she was being ironic and that she didn't want to talk, until I reaized her tone was very childlishly thoughtful, and the last word kind of sounded like she was scolding herself.

My apologizes, it's nice to see you again." She said with a weird smile that I swear she seemed to be trying so hard to put on. Apart from that, she did have quiet a convincing, pretty smile.

And it dropped down to silence again.

"I never said thank you" She said silently, almost inaudible, but still breaking the not so comfortable emptiness in the ether.

"It's nothing" I waved it off, though blushing a bit. I was pretty proud of myself for my save-the-girl action. She frowned.

"It's not nothing. I may not be here, if it wasn't for you." She established. And so I blushed again.

"Well, It would've been a waste if something had happened to you."

I said catching up, trying to boost the converstation we finally started having. I wasn't sure why I wanted us to have one though, but I felt the urge to get to know her somehow. It's felt like that with saving her that night, we had this connection.

We were like an inside joke in the weirdest way, because we had a little history - that was undeniably important on both our parts - without even knowing each other at all.

"So, you work out, huh?" her serious tone was replaced with a playful one as she said these words, turning to me, looking impressed.

"Yeah, big time" I answer, pulling up the sleeve of my shirt to show off my biceps for a second, before laughing at it and pulling it back down. She just smiled and I considered slapping myself across the face for humiliating myself in front of a complete - huge quotation marks here - stranger.

"So thank you. You are the breavest girl I've ever met." I really should stop blushing. "And I guess may be the luckiest one for that." I raised an eyebrow.

"For what?" I asked, not being able to figure out what she meant.

"For meeting you." She simply stated. Okay, if I didn't know what this whole 'Let's praise Spencer' was all about, I'd think she is flirting with me.

We spent the trip home talking, getting to know each other. Well, more like I guess it was me, talking about my life. Thinking back, she never really mentioned anything about hers.

I told her about the trip in Manchester with my best and closest friend, Johnny. The place where I met her, and where the whole..thing happened, when it clicked to me that there's no reason at all for her to be on this train, rushing towards Newport, when she lives in Manchester.

"I actually moved." She said detached. Got a job in Newport, which came in handy, because I couldn't stay there a minute longer."

That was actually the longest sentence she's told me so far. She was looking at me questioningly.

"So how come you're on this train? As I recall, you were rocking a nice Mazda couple days ago." She asked, with some playfulness coming back to her tone, teasing me a little.

"As I told you before, I was there with my firend, and he decided staying one more week, and me, loving to travel uncomfortably and smelly in a rusty carriage, here I am, letting him borrow my car for the rest of the week, getting home the second fastest way I can." I ended with a winning smile, knowing that her tease was unsuccesful.

"That is very generous of you."

She said, actually a bit surprised but now fully smiling at me.

It didn't last long though, she turned her head away from me and gazed out the window. It almost felt like I was aching to make her smile again, because it seemed so hard, but felt so good when she finally did.

* * *

She had this misterious aura that I remember I wanted to unreveal so badly with all it's secrets.

I remember this second time in my life that I was swept together with her again, and how all I wanted was to get to know her.


	4. Talk to Me

Chapter 4.

Talk to Me

The train was already late because of the heavy snowing.

„I don't remember it snowing this much since I was a kid." The dark-haired girl mumbled, gazing out into the distance.

„Yea, it's pretty heavy, huh?" I nerveously laughed. Don't ask why I was nervous, it was unintentional.

She just flashed a smile but did not look at me.

„So where is it exactly that you're moving to?" She lifted her eyes at me finally, but the expression on her face made me rush back into my prior sentence to quickly add:

„If that's not too personal, of course." I mumbled, finding my hands in my lap more interesting by every second. She chuckled. God, that sound..

„No, it's okay" She said, still amused by my awkwardness. As her adress left her lips, my eyes widened.

„That's my street!" I reacted a bit too excited, but then quickly calmed myself down.

„Oh, really? I didn't know." She answered, avoiding my eyes once again as she spoke the words. I just kept staring at her.

„Yes, in fact, I guess we're going to be neighbours," I added, now more seriously, rather than excited. She turned to me, I believe, surprised at the sudden change of my tone.

„That's nice." She said, with nothing special to be discovered in her voice.

It was quiet again. I was listening to the sound of the wheels turning rapidly under us. She did not move at all, just continued staring out into the dark night, which was halfly lit up with the moon glittering on the white snow.

I sighed.

I've been acting like an idiot, she probably hates the fact that I'm here, keeping her uninvited company.

„So, do you like hot chocolate?" She asked, out of nowhere, now staring at me intensely.

I tried my best to keep myself from getting excited by her sudden question, so I was treating her with her own medicine, looking to the other direction while mumbling a bearly audible 'yes'.

„Oh" escaped her lips. She sounded confused, I guess.

„Why?" I turned to face her, and her eyes were still pointed straight at me. She quickly broke the contact and now it was her turn to chuckle awkwardly.

„Just thought I may invite you over, I make delicious hot coco," she glanced at me, I think my jaws dropped a little. „You know, it's like, uh..letting your neighbour get to know and like you, so when your house is on fire, they wouldn't turn their back like nothing's happening." her tone wasn't at all playful, it was rather angry, which I didn't understand.

„Okay, sure" I quickly reacted. „I'd love that."

She smiled up at me as the train came to a halt.

„Guess we're here" I mumbled, she still hasn't broken eye-contact.

„Oh, are we?" She got up so fast that I swear I was still looking at the same spot where she sat for long seconds, before getting up too.

„You mind sharing a cab with me the way home? We'd come out cheaper." I nodded and grabbed my suitcase.

* * *

A week has passed since we met again on the train. She really did move into the house next to mine, and I saw her for brief seconds in the mornings, and for long hours in the evenings fading into night.

She invited me over quite a lot, I could say every single evening, and I always went with a small smile plastered on my face that couldn't have been washed off, even if I wanted to.

It was comfortable.

Talking for hours into the night. Still, as always, and as I almost got used to it, she was the quite one. She listened carefully to every word I said, I found it charming how she would pay attention even to the stupidest stories I've told her.

„So, how about you? Let me hear _your_ story." I was playfully nudging her with my elbow. She looked up at me, halfly smiling at my sudden quiestion, while her thumb was gently making circles on the mug of hot coco she held in her hands.

„I don't have any good ones." She answered, hiding her face with the mug, taking a sip of the hot liquid.

„Come on," I nudged her again. „You practically know my whole life by now."

I actually did share a loads of things. How my first stitches are on my forehead because in kindergarden one of the boys threw a brick (yes, literally) on my head as I was looking up at him while drawing on the ground with asphalt crete, how our father left us when we were kids, and I even told her about how my grandma passed away 2 years ago.

She had cancer.

When I mentioned her, on a cold Wednesday night, cuddled up under a blanket, Ashley narrowed her eyebrowes in concern and I knew I had her undivided attention more than ever.

I never got over the fact that she died. Never actually talked to anyone about it, only in brief sentences, trying to avoid it everytime someone asked about her and wanted to know if I was okay.

„How do You feel about it?" Ashley asked, softly, not pushing anything. I knew she would be okay with it even if I didn't answer her at all. But words came flying out of my mouth.

„She had this neighbour, Mr. Sullivan. He was diagnosed with cancer 6 years after my Grandma. She was out of the 'danger-zone', they said, everyone – I pushed on the word – said that after five years it would be okay, that if she survived that stupid 5 years, then she _would be_ okay. „

Ashley didn't try to touch me like every one else would when they asked about this. I was thankful for it. People trying to comfort me with stupid , unnecessarily intimate touches or hugs always made me feel pathetic. She just sat there and listened, never taking her eyes off of me. She didn't try to say anything to comfort me, she knew exactly that I wasn't in need of anyone's pity.

„So Mr. Sullivan was gone 2 months after the diagnosis. My grandma went to his funeral and dropped unconcious at the scene. She was taken home by my father (her son), but because it was a weekday, everyone was off to work and he also had to head back there. So he demanded me to stay with her and take good care of her until he or my grandpa arrives. I've never been more afraid in my whole life. She was so fragile, weak. So I did what I was told and took care of her, made her soup and then helped her out to the kithcen to eat. That was the very last time I've seen her walk."

I gulped silently.

„She couldn't get out of bed anymore, and day by day it's gotten worse little by little. At some point she went blind, and after a while, she couldn't recognize us anymore. She didn't know who I was, Ashley." I said, my voice cracking a bit, and gradually fading out.

Her eyes kept staring at me, still concerned, but now lightly wandering on my face.

„A month of agony passed, and then, she was gone." I ended, but bursted out furiously as I thought back to the day of the funeral.

„People were recording it!" I yelled fiercely. „How can you even think about recording someone's funeral?! Why would you want to see it over and over again?" I spitted, now through my waterfall tears. „I was so mad, I went around cursing, telling them to stop, or else.." I quickly finished, knowing I got a bit carried away with my anger. I looked up at Ashley, hoping I didn't scare her or made her think I'm crazy.

She smiled at me.

„You haven't changed a bit then, Miss Hulk" She joked, reffering to that very night with the man that I managed to get off of her. And the playful joking around made everything so easy. I felt a huge weight rolling off my shoulders.. my heart. I chuckled and wiped my face dry with the sleeve of my sweater.

* * *

She was indeed the greatest person to talk to, she was a great listener. But it still bugged me she never shared anything personal. She only told me ordinary, everyday things about her life, like how was work that day or what she ate for lunch, what kind of car she wanted to buy.

So on Friday night I went forward to ask her about.. anything, really. I chose family.

„My family and I parted a couple years ago when I started working. We aren't very close, but we see each other sometimes, though." She made it brief, and I knew she didn't want anything else to be said about it.

„What about guys?" I asked. Yes, it was the most childlish quiestion I've let my mouth escape at the age of 21.

She shook her head, giving me a grin I've never seen on her face before.

„Yea, no." She said simply, but solid.

„How come?" I raised an eyebrow, now she was the one having undivided attention.

„I don't need one." She shrugged. „Why would I want any more drama in my life?" She said, but seemed to regret it right away when I sneaked closer to her, smiling wide.

„Tell me about it" She laughed, getting up from the couch.

„Want some more?" She asked, raising her usual red mug with small white points all over it.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

„I better get going." left my lips as I made my way to my coat that was hanging on the hanger.

Her eyes widened as if I said something horrible, or badly surprising.

„No, stay" She bursted but then pulled her act together. „I mean, you don't have to go, you can stay if you want to." She said softly.

„I feel like you're trying to trap me in here for the night, my dear Ashley" I smirked playfully, my hand gravitating over my coat, not touching it yet.

„Well.. if it's against your will so much to stay, then you can go.." She looked down, then lifted her head with a totally different expression. She was staring at me with a deathly cute pout spreading all over he lips, making her look like a kitten or a puppy, whatever. I think no one could reject that face.

„Not gonna work on me" I teased and started putting on my coat slowly, never taking my eyes off her.

„See you tomorrow then?" She asked, her cute expression replaced with a soft smile.

„You give up easily" I playfully scolded her, and grabbed the clench, hearing a quiet laugh behind my back as I walked out of the house, smiling widely to myself. It didn't even take two steps until I heard the front door open again.

„Goodnight, Spencer" her voice lingered in the air for a second and it made me content.

I raised my hand up, not turning back while waving it. I still heard her reaction in a small chuckle, and the sound of the door closing.

* * *

It seemed idyllic.

Everything that involved her, seemed. Idyllic and true.

My phone rang on Sunday night. It was Ashley, asking me what flavour of hot coco I want this time, when my eyes caught the bright gaze that belonged to Johnny, who was standing in my doorway.


	5. First attempt

Chapter 5.

First attempt

When it comes to expressing feelings, people are very different.

For me, it's always depended on the person I was expressing them to. Hardly seeing any chance of anyone coming around to be even just a potential date, I've stopped expressing, and to make it more 'fun', when Ashley came around, I'd started supressing.

* * *

Johnny didn't even have to try, his eyes spoke a thousand words. Sometimes it makes me pretty uncomfortable.

„Hello there, Snowman." I laughed as he shook some snow off his hair. He never wore a hat. It was one of those things I would always scold him for.

„I only had to walk like, what, 6 feet from the car to your door, and now look" He turned around, allowing me to see him better. He was covered in snow, and I couldn't help a little teasing.

„You know, it's called w-i-n-t-e-r." I pronounced, making him roll his eyes on the way he came to embrace me. Hugs were never long with him, they also made me quiet uncomfortable.

He scoffed.

„Okay, I get that you like girls, but come on, I haven't seen you for a whole week" He whined.

„And you know me better than anyone else, so you couldn't have forgotten that I don't like people touching me." I stated with a smile.

„I'm not 'people'." He said, but shrugged it off, knowing it was useless to speak about it any more.

„Yah, I know" I quickly reacted before jumping onto another subject. „ I hope my car is still in one piece." I searched his face and he couldn't help the grin forming.

„Hey, don't you forget who thaught you how to drive!" He said as he plumped on the couch. I tilted my head, waiting for his actual answer.

„Of course it's in one piece, you know I wouldn't get crazy with your car, even if it's snowing."

Yeah, snow. It was his weakness too. He adored driving in the snow.

„Hey" suddenly left his lips to make me look at him and he threw a Coke at me. I'm glad my reflexes are good, otherwise it would've landed on my face.

„Jerk" I mumbled, without malice.

„Blonde" he replied smirking while popping his Coke open.

I took a sip and suddenly remembered I've told Ashley I'd call her back.

„Can you wait a bit, It'll only take a second" i told him, halfway through the kitchen to grab my phone. He just let out a 'mhmm' and tilted his head back on the couch, eyes closed, being tired of driving for hours.

I dialed, with my heart racing in my chest , and she picked up right away.

„_Banana?_" she asked – reffering to the flavour - not even saying hello first. I knew she was smiling, I could hear it in her voice.

„Uh, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can make it tonight"

It was silence for a brief second.

„_Oh, okay, sure. No problem."_ She said, trying so hard to sound casual about it, but I still heard a little disappointment. Or maybe I just imagined it.

„I'm sorry," I repetead. „Can you save it for another night?" I asked softly, hearing her voice cheer up as she started to speak again.

„_Sure, but it has t__o be soon, or it will, you know..__ rot" _she searched for a second before she spoke the last word which made me chuckle out.

„Sure, rot" I echoed, still laughing quietly at her nonsense establishment.

It was again, charming, how she was being nonsensely cute just to have me around sooner. I felt my heart drop at the thought.

„Who was it?" Johnny asked as I made my way back to the chouch, pushing his legs off so I fitted next to him. He put them back on as soon as I sat, and I glared at him playfully, letting his legs fall into my lap.

„Just the new neighbour" I shrugged, but knew a stupid smile was already making its way across my face.

He got up into a sitting position and grinned.

„And what is this new neighGirl calling you in the middle of the night for?"

„My god, John, really? Neighgirl? That was low, even for you" I smirked but he kept on grinning, despite my teasing.

„How would you know it's a girl anyway? It's actually a man. An old, gross man." I played around and he laughed out.

„Well then, you appear to be attracted to a – quotion – gross, old man, who happens to be your new neighbour, who happens to be calling you in the middle of the night, and who happens to make you blush. So what have I missed?" He ended his monologue with a know-it-all smile, which I wanted to wipe off so badly, because he was indeed very right. Not the gross, old man part, of course. It was clear to me that he did not believe that part, either.

But she did make me blush and smile like a child with candy.

„Do you remember that night in Manchester when I got home later then you expected me?" I asked and it clicked for him immediately. He's got a fast mind, that's for sure.

„That girl you saved?" mouth dropped the quiestion passed his lips and I nodded.

„What is she even doing here?" he looked confused. „How?" he looked even more confused when his second quiestion left his mouth.

„We met on the train when I was heading here. She's got a job around town and moved here, and here happens to be right next to me." I said, clearing it up for him a bit.

„Okay, still no clue why she would call you at," he quickly took his phone out of his jean's pocket and checked the time „10 pm" he ended, slipping it back into his pocket.

„We've been hanging out a lot this week. She invited me over for loads of hot coco."

Johnny let a huge smile crawl back onto his face again.

„Oh, stop doing this, it makes your face look all weird." I joked, pointing at his face. He didn't stop and it made my cheeks go a little red, thinking back this past week.

„You adore(!) hot coco" he said raising his arms. „It's perfect!" he pitched the last word so hard it made it sound ridiculous, coming from a guy's mouth.

„Yea" I simply said.

„Was she inviting you over?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

I nodded and his face fell in disbelief.

„Then why the heck are you still sitting here?" he got up.

I did too, shaking my head.

„I already told her I wasn't coming over." Johnny grabbed my jacket and threw it on me.

„Out" he demanded. „It's really about time now" He said, now with his voice lowered.

„What?" I looked up at him quiestioning.

„You know exactly what" he said firmly, and opened the front door, pushing me out into the cold.

„Screw you, too" I yelled to the closed door and heard giggling coming from the other side of it.

Great.

I slowly put my left foot in front of the other, and repetead it. I would hardly call it walking, I was as fast as a slot.

Before my fist could have reached her door, I quickly pulled it back, turning to the other direction.

* * *

I've bought a handful of roses before walking back to where I was running away from with a throbbing heart in my chest 10 minutes ago.

I knocked.

Soon enough, there she was standing, smiling widely, gazing into my eyes, before wandering down to my hands, full of roses. Her smile was not so wide anymore.

„I.. I thought you weren't coming." She said, not taking her eyes off the roses.

„I changed my mind." I said softly, trying hard to ignore the fact that it very much seemed she didn't want me there, not with roses anyway.

She stepped aside, letting me in.

I waited until she closed the door, facing her, wanting to throw the stupid flowers out of the window, because instead of making her smile wider, they made it disappear.

„Who got you roses?" She played dumb. Gosh..

„Uh, yea, I.. got them for you. To decorate the house!" the lie slipped out quickly but it didn't bring her smile back.

Throughout the night, she seemed even colder than she used to when I first met her. Not a single laugh or small grin was given to me that night and it drove me crazy. I never thought I'd be ever wanting to get out of that house as much as I wanted right then.

After gulping down the usual liquid she prepared for me silently, I stood up and signaled before her zoned-out gaze that I'm leaving.

„You," she sighed „You can stay"

I was so confused. I would understand if she didn't want to be more than friends, or if she got scared suddenly by my action made, but this. This is something I couldn't figure out. She seemed to be fighting something inside herself, not knowing what to let appear on the surface. Not to mention that for this past week she actually acted like she was indeed interested in me.

I uncomfortably shook my head.

„No, it's okay. Thanks for, you know" I rushed, putting on my jacket, pointing to the kitchen.

She nodded, and for the first time, confusion appeared on her face, too, i guess because of my sudden rush to leave. But without asking or saying anything she just opened her door and let me out.

„Goodnight," She added, and I waited for my name to follow, but it didn't. Instead, the slamming sound of the door did.

I closed my eyes briefly, exhaling loudly, my palms sweating.

This night couldn't have gone any more worse.

* * *

I tried, but failed at my first attempt to express, and I caved in. The unsaid rejection was too much after all that happened at the end of my past relationship.

I just wanted for things to be easy, simple. For things to work out.

Had I known that it would never be easy or at all simple with Ashley.


	6. This heart beats for only You

The past is in _italic_.

* * *

Chapter 6.

This heart beats for only you

For the last 2 weeks it's been snowing harder than ever, and with the degree dropping just as hard, Mother Nature made it almost impossible to stay out for more than 6 minutes. I've never been so thankful for my car.

The harsh wind made me duck back as I stepped out of my house, making my way to my car. I saw Ashley at her door, with coffe in one hand and her usual morning cigarette in her other. Every single day started out exactly like this, though sometimes a felt like a stalker, watching her do her usual routine in the morning from my window or from my car.

She was poorly dressed for this kind of weather, with only a leather jacket thrown on. It made her look fierce. As she glanced over, she let a small smile slip, before starting to walk.

It was freezing cold that day as well. So I threw my pride away and jumped in my car, speeding after her. I slowed down when I got next to Ashley and rolled down the window.

„Get in" I yelled through the loud wind.

Ashley, without thinking twice, got in next to me. She was shaking from the cold, her hair wet from the snow that melted on it.

„You should wear a hat" I scolded her just as I always scold my best friend for the very same reason. I bet she's not gonna like it when her hair falls out.

„That'd ruin my hair" she gasped playfully.

„Yea, because the snow wouldn't"I rolled my eyes, also trying to be playful.

I tried hard for this not to be awkward.

„You've been avoiding me" she declared, it sure wasn't a quiestion.

„No, I've just been busy for a couple of days." I answered, trying to sound casual, even though I did keep the distance lately.

„For a couple of weeks, you mean" she smiled gently.

It's been two weeks since I last came over to her with the stupid roses.

„So, what's the reason?"

„You're putting me on the spot here" I laughed awkwardly.

„I thought about making dinner for two tonight." she said and as I glanced at her, I swear it seemed like she had an unspoken desire in her eyes. I didn't take it in though, I was wrong many times, trying to read her.

„Should I be worried? You seemed to have put on some extra weight, too, and now this" I teased, going around her actual question, which was of course obvious.

She laughed.

„Funny" her face turned serious again. „I meant for me _and _You. You'd get food for the ride" she nudged me with her elbow. I took my eyes off the road for a moment to look at her.

„I-I don't think I can" I sighed, getting that feeling in my stomach again, knowing that I couldn't sit with her just like that. I wanted more and she was aware of that, that's one thing I'm positive about.

She was quiet. And even though the heater was on 100%, I felt so cold, saying no to her. She didn't speak a word until we got to her workplace and I dropped her off.

She said a quick thank you and shut the door, walking away. My heart pumping through my chest I rolled down my window. I couldn't just let her walk away like that.

„I'm picking you up after your shift!" I shouted after her. She didn't turn around but I knew she heard.

* * *

At 6 pm precise, I pulled up at the same spot I dropped her off, and she was standing there, with a circle of people. Everyone had a smoke in their hands, and were puffing and talking to each other. They were all laughing at a joke someone must've told just a second ago, but Ashley's eyes were empty, and an obvious fake smile played on her perfect lips, that were a little purple from the cold.

I honked.

Everyone stared as Ashley got in my car.

„Can you run over them for me?" She asked, looking at me pouting.

I played with the accelerator, making the engine work up loud, for the visible reproof of the circle of smoking people.

She laughed and I let myself go for a quite chuckle, too.

„So, where to?" I glanced at her briefly, knowing the answer, driving away.

She still answered apstractedly. „My place?" i found the light glittering in her eyes as she looked at me with a hopeful stare fascinating.

„I'm not going in with you, just making sure you don't freeze in the middle of your way home." I smiled lightly, changing gear.

Ashley was quiet again, but now it was something else that distracted her, I believe she hardly heard what I just said.

I lifted my gaze to where hers was. The house at the front of the street was on fire, and a huge mess seemed to be going down with putting it out. The siren of the firetrucks almost broke my tympanum.

Only when I glanced at the girl next to me again had I noticed she was shaking, staring directly upfront, the fire that she was looking at making her eyes burn too.

* * *

„_Ashley, get me another beer" the short man shouted, throwing money in front of her daughter. „Go"_

_The slim girl grabbed the money thrown on the floor and made her way out of the house, meeting her mother on the way. _

„_Where do you think you're going, little Lady?" she smiled down at her. The woman had circles round the eyes, she was working late every day. Irene was just as slim as her daughter, who was now smiling widely, hugging her mother. _

„_Dad told me to-„ she had no time to finish, a strong hand pulled her hair, making her head fall back as well, a small crack was audible. Ashley screamed out in pain and tried pushing his father away._

„_Leslie, don't" The woman screamed, too, but had no courage to do anything as yet the third slap was given to her daughter._

_Ashley was crying. She hated his fater more every single day. Her small body dropped to the floor as she was let go of, and glancing up, she saw the man's hand go around her beloved mother's neck. She shouldn't have said anything. Ashley told her mother a million times to stay quiet when her dad was hurting her, so she wouldn't get hurt, too. _

_She loved her more than anything or anyone. She's always thought of love as a definition of her mother._

_She didn't love anyone else, and nobody loved her, other than her mother. She was aware of that, and had no problem living, and only loving her mother. _

_But things got out of hands, his father turned out to be a bigger threat every day, he would always hurt Ashley, and even though at first he didn't touch Irine, the mother, after a while he'd started hurting her, too and Ashley wasn't okay with that. She didn't care about herself being hurt, but she couldn't let the same thing happen to the one and only person she loved. _

_And on that one particular night, things have changed forever._

_Ashley stood up and made her way to the kitchen, covering her ears, so she wouldn't hear her mother crying. She grabbed the kitchen knife and slowly walked back to where her father was, opening his next bottle of vodka. Her hands behind her back, she approached the man, her petite face already dry. She had to do something other than crying and she knew that. _

_She had to protect her mother. _

„_What the hell are you sneaking around here for, you little piece of shit" his father faced her, towering over the small girl, who pushed her hand forward with the knife in it. _

_The man's roar rang around in the house, with the knife in his side. It hadn't gone far in, but enough for him to collapse onto his knees. The cigarette pushed in between his lips trembled but did not fall out of his mouth. He pulled out the knife and Ashley couldn't move as he shouted her name. Irene ran inside, her eyes jumping from one to another, then stopping on the knife lingering in mid-air, aimed at her little girl who stood there with a fierce stare on her face, not even stirring an eyelid. _

„_I'm going to kill you for that, you fucker!" He roared again, and the knife entered through flesh._

_Irene collapsed onto the floor in front of Ashley's feet, with the knife ran into her heart. The sound of the bottle of vodka tipping on the floor made Ashley look away as his father stepped back and the cigarette fell out of his mouth finally, not believing his eyes, searching life in her wife's eyes which were now cold and dead. _

„_You did this!" he screamed at the brunette, who stared at her mother's lifeless body lying on the floor. She wasn't crying. She just looked at her. That night, at that moment, she broke. _

_Ashley didn't even have the time to fall down next to her,when the flames were already around her and her father. Leslie's cigar lit the vodka on fire, and it was spreading so fast, that for the first time during the night, Ashley felt scared._

_She did what she was always thaught to do by her mother. Ran. _

_She still heard her father yell after her in desperation, grabbing onto his bleeding side, falling to the ground. _

_She could have helped him. _

_Ashley ran until all she saw was their burning house from afar, and all she heard was his father's death screams._

_She stopped and waited. Waited until everything had crushed down to silence._

* * *

„Ashley!" I shook her by her shoulders when she finally looked at me. Her shaking body couldn't rest, her breathing was so uneven I was scared she would choke.

„Ashley, calm down" I yelled at her, because I was convinced that this was some kind of a seizure.

She grabbed on my hand, holding it so tightly that after a minute I couldn't even feel it.

After long minutes, she started to relax.

„You scared me so much" I blurted out and without thinking I pulled her in, embracing her.

Now it was my turn to hold her tight, afraid of her falling apart in front of me.


	7. She's got a hold on Me

For any stupid mistakes, i apologize, but i'm petty sick so i can hardly pay as much attention to this as I shoud be.

Also a quick shout out to **noodles307, **who's been amazingly supportive. Thank you! I appreciate it more than you think.

* * *

Chapter 7.

She's got a hold on Me

Ashley had my arms around her, and I wanted them to be nowehere else but exactly around her. She sobbed quietly, her shoulders moving up a little, making me hold her tighter.

„It's okay" I whispered into her ears. I kind of got lost in the intoxicating scent of her hair while doing so.

I quickly lifted my head away from hers.

„Look at me" I demanded gently, moving her head with my hand on her chin. She stared at me, and even though her eyes were in fact filled with tears, she was not crying. She pulled me away slowly.

„Please, take me home" she mumbled, her head now halfly placed against the window, her eyes closed. I didn't ask quiestions, I just sped as fast as I could, leaving the scene that made her look terribly frightened just minutes ago.

* * *

5 minutes later, which was a lot shorter than the usual track of time needed for me to get home, I pulled up in front of Ashley's front door, as close as I could, so she wouldn't need to walk too much in the cold.

Getting out of my car to rush over to Ashley's side, I felt the wind blowing through my hair, making me shiver as I opened the door for her. I reached out my hand and she took it. It was warm.

„Thank you" she said, her voice low.

When i decided it was enough of me, staring at her pointlessly, knowing she wasn't going to invite me in after all, I turned on my heels.

Feeling a tight grip on my forearm stopped me immediately after that decision. Ashley didn't look at me, but her fingers were firmly placed on my arm. Not saying a single word of exclaim against her move, I just followed her inside the house that was dark, and she didn't trun the lights on.

So I just followed her silouetthe when she suddenly stopped at her bed, and I bumped into her unintentionally. Her face was close in front of me suddenly as she quickly turned around. Her breath reaching my lips, I felt my heart rate pick up.

I knew I couldn't stand it anymore, driving my hands towards her, cupping her cheeks in my palms, those stupid butterflies in my stomach went crazy. But my hands soon fell off her face as she looked down instead of looking at me. She motioned towards her bed, and mumbled something about showering, before walking out of her room that was filled with her sweet scent.

I don't believe it was her parfume, no. It was quiet like a personality mark, everybody has a different one, and some tend to drive you crazy.

Well, no need to say that she, indeed, _was._

I got rid of my jacket throwing it somewhere on the floor, before actually sitting on her bed, waiting. I had no idea what the night would bring, I didn't know why she wanted me to stay – though she didn't say it out loud - but i'm pretty sure that's what she wanted when she practically dragged me in.

And regarding how worried I actually was, I had no intentions to say no to her. Not tonight. Not after I saw her in that horrible shock not long ago. Her bed seemed to become more comfortable by every slow second that has passed since she left me in there.

After a good 20 minutes I felt my eyelids get heavy, and leaning back against her bedstead, i felt them close slowly.

Just when I felt my shoes gently being removed had I opened my eyes again. Ashley was now leaning over me, covering me with a blanket, then climbing in next to me, still keeping a distance.

I suddenly remembered how it felt to hold her in my arms in the car, and I was craving for that softness again. I was craving for her to be okay.

Her scent making me dizzy once more, I decided I had nothing to lose right now.

Her breath hitched and then picked up a little as I crawled over and placed an arm over her abdonem.

I smiled to myself because I thought it was a good sign.

„Spencer.." She breathed out unwillingly as I moved even closer and now my lips were brushing over her neck as I placed my head in the crook of it. God, she made me feel like I was wasted.

She trembeled as I took her hand and drove it up to my neck. She was facing me, not pulling her hand back when I gently started leaning in. Ashley didn't move, though I gave her just enough time and space to avoid the kiss that I was about to give her.

Softly pressing my lips against hers just to have her deepening it a moment after was surprising but I wouldn't have changed it for anything. She kept my head so close that I could hardly move back to take a breath. My hands didn't wander at all, I knew this was not the time for that, but I kissed her with a passion that's been building up for almost a month now.

Giving an unwilling moan, after a long minute she pulled herself away from me rather quickly, moving her other hand off my hips just as she did with the one on the back of my head.

I, not wanting this dream to be over, moved back into her personal space, trying to kiss her again, trying to feel her again.

„Stop" she said rather loudly, and firmly.

I shut my eyes closed, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Soft skin brushed against my cheek as I opened them again. Ashley was looking at me so tellingly, and all i could see was all these emotions mixing together. One of them was anger, but desire was following soon after as her eyes wandered down from my gaze to stay at my lips, which I'm sure were trembling like crazy, craving after Ashley's to be back on them.

„I'm sorry" was whispered as I closed my eyes again, trying to keep cool. This one kiss effected pretty much my whole body. It was aching for her to touch me again, I was eager to taste her again.

A while later, none of us saying a single word, I turned on my other side so that I could open my eyes without having to look at her perfect face and body and being pushed back tot he state where I could hardly keep my hands off her.

I couldn't sleep at all, but I doubt she noticed that, because the storm outside was so loud, that she couldn't have heard how steady or, at this point, how unsteady my breathing was.

Though I think at one point she, believing I was very much asleep, sneaked a little closer to me. Just a little bit, but I felt her hand on my back.

She did a good job at trying to make it seem unintentional, but I knew it wasn't.

She wanted _this_ just as much as I did.


	8. Je veux que tu restes

Chapter 8.

_Je veux que tu restes_

Desperation.

The word that held so much meaning to me right now, as I tossed and turned in Ashley's bed.

It must have been hours since our so called first kiss, and I knew, deep in my heart that I acted in a way I shouldn't have, under these circumstences.

She wasn't in need of me, trying to throw myself at her. No, she needed me to comfort her, with or without words.. or touches. I felt so stupid.

But I also knew that it was kind of cruel of her to drag me up into her bed and then expect me to do nothing when she's laying next to me, so perfectly.

The memory of her shocked and traumatized face in my car made me shook my head in disbelief at my thoughts.

What the hell, Spencer.

I couldn't even imagine what had made her react that way. And what hurt the most that I knew she wouldn't answer me, even if I asked. I felt stupid again, but now for different reasons.

I'm laying in a girl's bed who I know practically nothing about, because no matter how hard I try, she would never _actually_ talk to me, and sometimes I feel like it's all just a mirage, that is placed in my head firmly, making me believe that she might be interested in me too, when clearly, she _isn't_.

There I stopped myself, thinking back to her lips moving with mine so perfectly, and the way that she pulled me so close to her, seemingly wanting me just as much as I wanted her. I shook the thought and crawled out of the bed silently, trying not to wake her.

Her figure was tense, with a position that seemed to be pretty uncomfortable. She wasn't having the greatest sleep, that much I could tell. I caressed her cheek gently, barely touching it though.

I took the stairs slowly, grabbing my stuff on the way out of the house. Insomnia came over me and I really couldn't do a lot with myself, and just laying there didn't feel right nor good.

I had this stupid french exam coming up, which I needed for my job, and hell was I bad at it. So I decided to get the books and notes from my car and study instead of pushing myself into wishful thinking with Ashley in the bed next to me.

It was 4 in the morning and I still had my books laid out in front of me. The only sentence I actually learned covered my studies very well. _Je ne comprends pas._

It was 4:30 when a sleepy Ashley slowly made her way down to the kitchen, where I decided to stay until she would wake.

„What are you doing here so early?" her voice was raspy. I tightened my fist to stop my imagination go further with it.

„Studying" I halfly smiled and put up the french book in mid-air.

„Oh! French, _Je l'adore_!" she said, smiling widely at me, grabbing the book.

„Well, good for you" I sighed, knowing I sure am going to fail that exam.

„What, you don't like it?" a brow was raised at me and I waved it off.

„I'm exhausted, I'm gonna go"

„Haven't you slept?" again, with her eyebrow raised.

„Actually, no. I couldn't sleep."

„Well then stay, I'm not working today and as much as I know this part of the week you're free as well."

I sighed again, knowing how hard it would be to be back with her in that bed again. And for it being only 4:41, there was a good chance of that happening.

„Come on," she started, even pouted for a moment. „_Je veux que tu restes_"

I smiled at how adorable she was, speaking in french. And I was happy that I was able to understand.

So far.

„Just so you know, if you would feel like starting to speak some fluent french here, I ain't gonna understand a thing." I assured her with a grin which i don't remember when I put on.

She smiled for a second, then I saw that look forming again, that look I saw yesterday night when she grabbed a hold of my hand to prevent me from leaving. That need for not being left alone.

„Go back to sleep, I'll just stay on the couch."

I let out a quite laugh, though it wasn't out of amusement.

„I wanted to talk to you.. about last night." I finally got it out my mouth and she looked at me, unintendedly biting down her lip.

„No, I didn't mean the.. kiss. I meant what happened in the car. With you." I spoke quite slowly, I didn't mean to rush things and also, I was too tired to speak any faster. But I was curious. I wanted to know why she was hurting so bad.

Because that is what I see when I look at her. That she's hurting. All the time, or so it seems.

She stared at me but did not say a single word. Not a damn word had left her mouth. And that was the moment when anger started coming up inside me and I just couldn't control my sudden outburst.

„Okay, then why is your relationship with your family bad? What happened?" I asked again, now stepping one step closer to her.

She moved backwards and seemed to have fear in her eyes.

„How come you live alone? Someone so goergous and smart like you, how come nobody is flying here around you, granting your every wish?"

Yes, I was indeed mad at her by the end of the sentence. She never told me anything, it didn't matter that she knew how much I wanted to know her.

„Spencer.." She started, but I knew that her words wouldn't include answers, so I just cut her off.

„Okay, I'll make it easy from here. How come you speak french? You've been to France or something?"

I even must've raised my voice, cause she made a noticable distance form between us. The words I spoke couldn't have been any more childlish, looking back I realize how stupid those questions sounded.

Then it crashed down to silence as I harshly made myself stop talking.

I sighed and hang my head, I couldn't even look at her. Not because I was mad, but because I was _ashamed_. I shouldn't be freaking out on her.

It was silence for long, long minutes when she broke it to my biggest surprise.

„I lived there for 3 years." it was just a whisper, and it brought a small ache to my heart.

„How come?" I asked, this time a lot calmer.

„I worked there for a while. Mostly charity work."

„That's great. You're great" I said, looking down and shaking my head at what an idiot I was for almost yelling at her before.

„So what do you need french for?"

„I need it for my job. There's going to be a conference next week with those french clients and so you know how french people don't like talking in other languages. So they're putting us through a test before letting us meet them. A french exam, to be precise." I sighed.

She giggled.

„I can help you if you want" she said nonchalantly. It made my heart heart easier when I heard her giggle.

„If it's not too much trouble, then I'll accept it"

„Of course, but now I want you to go back to sleep. You don't look too good" She said, her expression a little worried.

„Why, thank you for the compliment" I joked while I puhsed my textbooks into my bag and zipped it up.

She didn't laugh though, so I just walked past her and to the front door. She followed hurrying after.

„Where do you think you're going?" she asked, her voice a bit raised.

„Just putting them back in my car" I lifted the bag and smiled at her softly.

She exhaled like I said something very relieving. I swear I couldn't figure her out.

„I'll make my bed up on the couch." her voice followed me out into the cold and I shook my head.

Walking back I saw her putting a blanket on the couch and I hurried over to grab it.

„You don't have to do this. I'm fine with you in the bed." she looked at me like she didn't believe me and even raised a brow.

„Yea, not gonna bite either." i laughed it off quietly but again, she stayed motionless.

Gathering her stuff again, she started walking back to her room and I followed without another word.

No matter how much I wanted to, sleep hadn't come. I was about to get out of bed again when I heard a quiet sob. It came from Ashley.

I turned around in the bed and saw her cheeks that were flushed and a single tear that escaped her left eye that was now making its way down her face.

She whimpered and there I was, clueless of what the hell to do now.

„Mommy.." she mumbled in a suffocating tone. It was like..as if she was a little girl. My heart was breaking at that point. It was so terrifying, I can't even describe it. Like, I've never seen or heard her this vulnerable. She's always seemed to be the one who was pulled together and was strong. Even when that guy attacked her, she wasn't crying or anything. A small fear in fact was in her eyes, but that's all. She was the same when we were talking, same, as in she wasn't the one to talk too much. She was a quiet person, she wasn't quiet because of what happened. It wasn't because of the attack that she didn't speak. I realized that soon after I got to 'know' her a bit more. All in all, she seemed so very.. unbreakable.

And there she was, crying in her dreams, whispering out to her mother in such a painful tone. I didn't understand, but at that moment understanding was not the most important thing on my mind. I just wanted to make her feel better. I didn't want her to hurt like this. Did I mention how heartbreaking her voice sounded? Yes. You can't imagine.

So, with nothing better on my mind, I moved closer and put a hand on her shoulder, trying to wake her up.

„Ashley..Ashley, you're just having a bad dream" I tried, nothing.

„Ash.." I started again when her hand was on top of mine and hell, she pushed her nails into my skin so hard that I had to flinch away from her.

„Ow" i cried out in pain. I guess it was bleeding but I didn't care.

„Ash, wake up" I tried again, grabbing her face. I shouldn't have done that.

She slapped my hand away hard and then her palm came in touch with my cheeks. Again, hard.

Yea, I really shouldn't have.

I jumped out of the bed and turned on the lights quickly, and her eyes shut open in tears.

I was standing there, breathing unevenly, just like she did. She stared at me confused and then worried.

„Did I hurt you?" she asked right away as, I belive, she saw the red mark on my face and my bleeding hand.

I put it behind my back and walked back, sitting on the side of the bed.

„No." I lied. „You were just having a bad dream."

She reached out her hand, moving it towards my face and I, don't know why, but moved away quickly. She looked worried sick and put it over her mouth instead, shaking her head.

„I'm so sorry" she said, her voice desperate.

„It's okay, I just.. please Ash, talk to me." I said, also desperately.

She stayed quiet and her look wandered around on my face then down to my hand which was now placed in my lap.

„You need to leave" she finally spoke. Very quietly, I must say, I'm surprised I even heard it.

„No, Ashley, you can talk to me," I started but she cut me off.

„You need to leave, please." she begged, never looking my way. I honestly did not know what to do, so I took the step that I wanted from the second I heard her sobbing next to me.

I pulled herself into me, holding onto her ever so tightly. She didn't hug back, just let me go through with it, and when I finally let go of her, she was still staring at the same spot from 2 minutes ago.

„You need to leave, Spencer" she was thoroughly scaring me now but I had no other chance then just to do what was asked of me.

It's been days now and I haven't seen her around. Not in the mornings, not in the evenings. I didn't know what I was getting this treatment for but it made me go a little insane. Johnny was trying to cheer me up with little things, but he failed miserably.

„I don't know what's going on in that head of hers. Why is she shutting me out when she can clearly see I care for her?" I cried out loud and Johnny just stared into nothing. That's what he did when he was thinking things through.

„Give her time, she'll come around." He got it out a couple mintues later, but he already knew it didn't help one bit.

„I gave her time. 2 freaking weeks, John, and look where we are standing now. She won't even speak to me about stupid little things anymore. Not to mention what's hurting her so much. And how in the hell could I help her if she doesn't talk to me?" Yes, I was mad. But mostly at myself, because somehow I felt like I screwed it up with acting like a hungry lion when I got to be next to her.

„Relax, okay? It doesn't help if you're all stressed out about it. She'll come around." He repeated and I was sick of him being all calmed. He didn't understand.

I just wished for her to be okay. And it was killing me that I had no clue about how or where she was. Johnny appeared in front of me and pulled me into a hug. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't even see him approach.

„Everything's gonna be fine. Gosh, I've never seen you so worried before. She's really got to you."

I giggled at the theatralic way this sentence left his mouth.

„Yah, I got it bad.."

Desperation.

The word that held so much meaning to me now, that I haven't seen her around for 'so long'. The desperation that I may never will. That I may never get the chance to make it up to her or to even speak to her again.

I didn't know where we were standing and it was driving me crazy. I felt like losing something that was never actually mine, but it sure hurt the way as if it was.

Like when you're waking up from a great dream, where you had everything you ever wanted, and awake, you look around, and nothing is there, and you feel bad for hours about something that never even happened.

She made me feel exactly like that, but instead of short hours, I felt it every second of the day for the past 3 days.


	9. We are needed

Chapter 9.

We are needed

„Wakey-wakey" I heard Johnny's voice as he peaked in through my door.

Okay, so here's the thing. I am one of those freaks who sleep naked. Yes. Awkward.

I threw a pillow at him while covering myself with the blanket that was only covering half of my body when he decided to just burst in on my sweet sleep. I heard him giggle.

„Get dressed and get your sorry ass down here" he said through his stupid giggles.

I groaned and glanced over at my clock. 12 pm. Great.

I sighed and took a quick shower before throwing on some comfy clothes, making my way downstairs.

„That was uncalled for, and you know that" Johnny said, tossing the pillow over to me that I threw on him earlier. He still had his 'i've seen it all' grin on his face.

„I know you'd love to see me naked, but really, what was uncalled for is you, peaking in when you know exactly how I sleep. Should I start locking my door?" I raised a brow , but couldn't help the grin spreading on my face. It was fun living with a guy. I loved Johnny. We have history. Like a loooong one.

I met him when I was 16. He was crushing on me hard. Yea, me and my lesbian charm. The funny part was that when we first met I was actually with a girl, under the sweet effects of alcohol. We made out in front of him but he didn't get it. He actually told me after I cleared it up for him, that he thought we were only fooling around with each other and that he would have a chance. I had to disappoint him. I was as gay as could be.

Surpisingly we became best friends after all, he's like my other side. After I graduated we decided to move in together. I never regretted it but sometimes I would feel weird around him, because it kinda feels like that little crush of his stayed where it was, even though he pushed our friendship before anything else.

„It's not like I haven't seen it before" He laughed and took a sip of his Coke.

„God, you sound like as if we slept together" I rolled my eyes playfully. We actually, thankfully, never did.

„Sorry" He said with a fake apologizing face. I raised a brow and so did he.

„Where's mine?"

„Oh" he realized what I meant and grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge. „There you go Pepsi girl." he joked and passed it over to me.

„So how are you?" he then asked out of nowhere. I knew what he meant, but I was in no mood to talk about _her. _ I lifted my drink to my lips, 'fortunately' missing, and spilling it all over my white tee.

He laughed and pointed at his shirt, which had some Coke on it as well. I joined his contagious laugh and thought about how clumsy we both are when it comes to drinking or eating with a white shirt on. We were never able to keep it clean for more than a couple hours. This time it didn't even take me 5 minutes. New record.

„I'm good, I'm thinking about going out tonight. You in?" I tried hard to ignore the subject that he wanted to bring on.

„Sounds like a plan" and with that he jumped off the counter and took off his shirt, putting on a clen one, this time black, and made his way to the door.

„I'll be back by the evening, figure out where you wanna go" he put on his jacket and took the car keys. „Do you want me to bring anything?"

„Jager would be nice" I stated, he was already halfway out the door but still shouted back an 'okay'.

I had my late breakfast in silence. I actually wished for Johnny to be here now. I kind of wasn't okay. To be honest, right now, about anyone would be nice to have here by my side. Nothing was distracting me from thinking about _her_ and it made me feel like I was going insane over and over again.

I rang some people to invite them over for drinks tonight. I changed my mind, going out wasn't a good idea after all. I thought about the consequences of running into someone I wouldn't want to.. So I rang those people and despite them, I had one particular girl on mind to invite too, and I did, ending up with her saying- of course- yes and by the time we finished talking on the phone, we decided she would come earlier than the others so we could have a nice.. chat.

Yea.

She was_ that _one girl who I always called when I was upset and lonely, and who would always show up to satisfy my needs. If you know what I mean. Selfish, I know, but it started out as the typical friends with benefits situation and came soon after the stupid and obvious mistake, that she was actually falling for me. At least she said so, and I always try and tell her that what she 's feeling is not love, it's attraction. She never believed me once and kept bringing it up, so I decided to ignore her for a while so she would forget about it. But tonight I needed her. Again, selfish I know. But after all, all human beings only care for themselves in the end, right? At least that's what I always tell myself to feel better..

„Hey" I greeted her as she stepped in, instantly checking me out. I did the same. She was wearing her usual classy clothes, a white button-up shirt and dark jeans. She always looked hot, I gotta admit.

„I see you still have trouble with white tees." her gaze stopped at the splotch of coke. Shit, I forgot to change.

„You know me" I simply reacted, pulling my shirt over my head as I walked into my room to change. She followed and her arms were around me immediately, her lips brushing over my bare shoulder.

„I've missed you" she mumbled against my skin. I let out a barely audible laugh and turned around, facing her. Her eyes full of lust, having a different, darker kind of brown to them.

„I bet" I said but it didn't matter, cause her mouth was on mine a second before I could finish.

We fell on my bed with no further communication.

An hour later or so, I grabbed the packet of cigarettes off the counter and pushed one between my lips, lighting it. Bad habit of mine, I do it everytime after having sex. Sophie was sleeping in my bed calmly, her chest moving up and down as she breathed. My phone rang.

„Okay, so I know that you'll be mad at me but hear me out first.." I heard Johnny's bit of frustrated voice over the line.

„What did you do?" I asked, giggling at his timid tone.

„So I kinda invited our neighbour over for tonight, and she said yes." My heart skipped a beat.

„What?" I asked silently, even though I heard him the first time.

„I invited Ashl.." I cut him of before he could finish saying her name.

„Ya I got that but what the hell? Why would you do that?" now I was outraged.

Sophie was now peaking her head from under the blanket that was thrown on her naked body, and raised a brow at my yelling.

„Sorry" I turned to her for a second and than rushed out of my room.

„What in the world were you thinking?" I asked again, feeling anger coming up.

„I thought it'd be great if I got to know her too. And I think you guys should talk, there's no way I'm gonna keep watching you suffer any longer." he said with something in his tone I couldn't quite catch.

I hang up the phone before I would've said something I didn't mean.

„Evereything's ok?" Sophie asked, approaching me, now with her clothes on.

„Yea. We should get ready, our guests must be on their ways." she smiled and blew me a kiss as she started putting drinks out on the counter. She actually felt like home when she was at my house, and honestly, I never liked that about her. She really made our whole situation look like we were a couple. And I never wanted to be with her that way.

Half an hour later people started to fill my house and everyone grabbed a drink, including me. Well.. I may or may not have grabbed more than I should have.

„Are you sure you need this one after the 9th shot?" Johnny raised his eyebrows concerned as I poured another shot of Jager.

„Is she here?" I asked, not even having the guts to look around to search for her.

„Nope" Johnny said with a light, almost pitying smile and wrapped an arm around me.

„Don't" I shrugged him off and he pouted.

„Are you nervous?" No, I'm all good as you can see..

„I'm good, just.. just make sure to warn me when she arrives.

Well he did not have to do that. The door creaked open and I saw her walk in through the dancing crowd.

I downed my shot at the sight of her and grabbed the bottle to pour another one when Johnny reached for my hands, stopping me.

„Enough now. You might one to be clear-headed when you two talk." He finished and started pushing me towards a gorgeous-as- always Ashley.

„Hi" Johnny greeted her and then took off into the crowd, leaving me there with the girl that didn't take her eyes off me ever since we started approaching her with my friend.

We stood there in silence for seconds before she finally spoke.

„I wanted to say sorry for how I acted. I never meant to hurt your feelings, Spencer."

I gulped and manouvered her towards the drinks. I couldn't do this without another shot.

Pathetic, I know.

As I poured two shots, I felt her gaze on me the whole time. She took it from my hand and with a simple lift she downed it. Well, I guess I wasn't the only one who was nervous.

„So, am I forgiven?" she asked, smiling shyly at me after I downed my .. I don't even know how many shots I've taken.

„I wasn't mad at you, I just.." words got stuck in my throat and when she decided to put her small hand on my forearm, I lost it completely. I opened my mouth and closed it again, not being able to manage the words out.

„Heeeeey, are you avoiding me, Spency?" Sophie showed up out of nowhere and threw her arms around my neck, kissing down on it. I gasped and glanced at Ashley whose eyes were now burning into the back of Sophie's head, with an expression I couldn't read.

„Sophie, you're drunk" I said, trying to pile her arms off me. But I wasn't one to speak, I was just as drunk. Oh how I wished it was Ashley instead of Sophie.

Speaking of, she turned on her heels and walked into the crowd of dancing people.

„Sophie, get off!" I demanded and she looked at me and gasped as I pushed her away, not so gently.

„What the hell" She managed to get out and left me there, rushing away.

Great.

I made my way through the crowd but couldn't find Ashley anywhere.

An hour passed and I was still sitting at the same spot I placed myself in after Ashley walked away from me.

„Spence, you should check on your girl, she seems to be having problems with Aiden." Johnny walked over to me, pointing to the corner of the room. There she was standing, with Aiden grabbing her waist, pulling her closer to himself.

„I think she's wasted enough to not know how to push him away. You know how's it with Aiden. He likes taking advantage.." Johnny said but I couldn't really catch how he ended his sentence, because I was already making my way over to Ashley.

„Aiden, leave her alone" I spitted through my teeth and Aiden turned around.

„It's none of your business, Carlin. Get back to drinking your little jager-shots." Oh, no he didn't.

I grabbed his arm and his muscles tightened right away.

„Did you not understand anything I just said to you?" He seemed angry now.

„Did _you_ not understand anything _I_ said to you?" I hissed and he backed off.

„Whatever" he lastly said and walked off.

Ashley really was wasted.

„Are you okay?" I asked as she leaned on me while I was pulling her up to my room.

„Spence.." she whimpered.

„Yes?"

„I.." she hicced and almost fell but I caught her. I picked her up and got her in bed quickly.

„Spencer," she started again but I sushed her.

„Sleep" I simply said and as I wanted to make my way out, her little hands were holding onto mine.

„S-stay" She managed to get out. Oh, how badly I wanted to stay here and just hold her.. But I'm not one to take advantage.

„I can't"

„Pl-please" she whimpered and I saw a tear roll down her pretty face. Yes, even drunk, she was beautiful, and I know it sounds cliché. But to my eyes, she really was just.. breathtaking.

„I feel s-safe with you" she spoke, looking straight into my eyes.

I scooped down next to her and stroked a hair out of her face.

„Why?" I asked, wanting so badly to just lay down next to her without any hesitation. But she made me quiestion my every move around her. I hesitated everyime when it came to her.

„Y-you..always..pr-protect me" she could barely get the words out, but her tone was never so honest before. „And I'm sc-scared." she finished with another hiccup.

„What are you scared of?" I asked softly.

„The way..the way I f-feel around you" she said, her hand still holding mine strongly.

I stood there, taking in her words. I felt happy and confused at the same time. Minutes later I was able to find my voice.

„How do you feel when you're around me?" I quiestioned her again, my voice must've sounded like a mother's, because I tried to be as soothing as possible.

Her breathing evened and I glanced from our entwined fingers up to her face. She fell asleep.

I sighed and burried my face into my palms. After a good 20 minutes, thinking about my options to lay down next to her and sleeping on the couch, I pulled the blanket over her petite body and walked out of the room.

* * *

So, is it really how it goes?

We can't bare to be alone. We can't bare to face everything that this cruel world tosses in our ways alone.

Do we really need someone to pick up our broken pieces?

Can we not do it ourselves?

Are we not strong enough on our own?

Well, it seems to me that those wise men are actually right. We are not loners.

We need, and we are needed.

In ways that most of us can't even imagine without living it through.

* * *

**Reviews are appreciated! So, please:)**


	10. Let me in

Chapter 10.

Let me in

6:30 a.m.

There is not a better way to spend your night than sleepless. Guess I shouldn't be surprised, I've come to realize that I had no other choice than to rack my brain over the girl who's sleeping in my bed right now. How I shouldn't be feeling the things I'm feeling and how I can't seem to figure her out.

And do you know what I hate?

That I am being a cliché again. Every damn thing that's happening right now with me and Ashley sounds so very fucking cliché, and I hate it.

I wish so damn badly that I could put what's going on, in nice, wisely overthought words.

Have you ever been accused with something when you were little?

As in, that you kept the lights on at night for more than you were supposed to, or didn't wash your hands after you used the toilet?

I'm sure you were and I'm sure you are familiar with the feeling of being scolded for it. Do you remember the feeling of trying to find the best words, so you can explain that you are not guilty? How your whole body tightens and you feel so small, so lost for words, and in so much despair.

Yea. That feeling.

I'm trying so hard to put this right so you understand. You'd understand the sudden change of gravity that was pulling me towards her so strongly from the second that I laid eyes on her on that train again. That those long nights with her and her amazing hot chocolates were the best nights of my entire life. And no, I'm not exaggarating.

Way to make it sound even more cliché.

I have to take in the fact that I'm, in some complicated way, stuck in a rut.

Just as I'm carried away with my thoughts, laying on my couch with only a thin plaid thrown over my body I hear footsteps making their way down the stairs.

I don't hesitate to sit up and move my gaze to the direction of the sound.

„Ashley?" I called out and the small figure stopped in the middle of my living room.

It was still dark outside so the sun couldn't light up the room for me too see and know exactly who that shadow belongs to, but by the tiny body and the lack of noise that person made while moving made me figure it was her.

She made her way to me slowly, hesitantly.

„I didn't mean to wake you" she whispered out to me, sitting close by.

„You didn't" I answered simply, shifting a bit.

There was silence. I got used to it with her, it was almost natural now.

But this time it didn't last too long, as it usually does. She inhaled deeply and slowly, that kind when your breath hitches in the middle, because you're overwhelmed with what you want to say with that air.

„I'm sorry" she exhaled these two words out but nothing else.

„Ashley, I wish I knew why you keep aplogizing to me" I said, I was sincere. I had no idea what's going on in her head.

„I.." she chuckled a bit, biting her bottom lip to prevent herself from saying sorry again. I let a light half smile creep on my lips, because I find it cute.

„You're saving me all the time and I feel like all I ever gave you was shit" she hurried out.

„I don't recall having shit-flavoured hot coco at your place." I joke and she snickers for a second but then, as much as I can see her face in the dull light, she becomes serious again.

„I just.. I want you to know that, that I care about you." she finally said and laid her back against the couch, seeming somewhat disappointed with her own words, looking my way, waiting for a response.

„I'm glad to hear that. That makes us two." I felt like there was someting else I needed to say to her as well. Something that was bothering me so badly ever since that night.

„I'm sorry I kissed you" I blurted out and her gaze instantly dropped from mine. Stop talking.

„I didn't mean it that.. I didn't mean to do that." I rumbled my lies and ground was slipping out of under me. Spencer Carlin, for the love of dear God, stop talking.

„Hope we can forget about that" I ended and my insides were burning from the lies, it made me sick to my stomach that I actually said these words. I couldn't manage to look at her, I was so scared that I might see her smiling at me forgivingly, and happy that I didn't mean to kiss her..

„Okay. If that's what you want." her voice was vacant, and I felt the couch shift when she stood up from next to me. „ Well.. thanks for the night, I guess." No, no wait. What is this? Is this not what she wanted? Just friends. Me, not meaning that kiss. This is what she was expecting me to say, right?

I stood up, making us stand right in front of each other.

I just stared at her, trying to find my words of wisdom. They never came. She finally pulled me into a quick hug.

„I'll call you later" and with that she was out of my door.

* * *

In the next couple of weeks, Ashley coming over to my place to talk, quiet became a routine, sometimes Johnny would join us and have a 'nice' chat with Ashley, too, that she never seemed to enjoy, or he was just lingering around, listening to us talking. It became a routine that sometimes I would stay at her place and she would make her delicious hot chocolates for me. Again. It became a routine that we touched. We became 'those' friends, the touchy ones. And I loved every second of it. She would snuggle up to me while watching a movie, and would play with my hair when I didn't pay attention. Let's talk about the hugs first.

Those hugs she gives me.

They make me get all worked up, and I just can't help it.

How her arms lingere a little too long around my neck and my hands do the same around her small waist. How it was never quite like this with anyone before. I would never let anyone touch me or hug me like that. I think I would punch them if they did. I never complained with Ashley, though. I never complained, but never got my hopes up either. Still, I couldn't help to grow so fond of her that I soon felt like a junkie when it came to her. I became kind of addicted. To her laugh, to her smile, to her eyes, her voice.. Oh my god, her voice. And how she spoke. How she listened. She cared.

But like I said, I didn't get my hopes up.

I told her I didn't mean to kiss her, and she didn't say anything. I lied, but she didn't say anything. Somewhere, deep down I feel like she knows I did.

And still, she didn't say anything.

We never talked about our kiss or that night in particular again.

But we reached a level, where she was finally sharing things with me. Meaning, things about her life and herself.

„Come on, you couldn't possibly have done that!" I said mouth-dropped, staring at her with wide eyes.

„Yep. Been there, done that." She smirked at me and played around with a ring on her finger.

„You stole that kids water pistole from his _own_ jacket's pocketin kindergarden, _while_ he was in the very same room?" I shook my head at her, smiling wide at how cockily she's looking after telling me that story.

„Oh my god, and you're proud of youself!" I declared shocked as she shook her head yes. „Never thought you were this shameless, Ashley Davies" she snickered.

„I'm scared of spiders" she said, out of nowhere after a small, comfortable silence. Now it was my turn to snicker.

„No really, don't you even dare to laugh at me, it's serious." when I didn't stop she threw a pillow at me. We were in her bedroom, seated comfortably in her bed, on each end.

„Are you not even worried that they're going to take over the power and will control the world? They most definitely are planning something against human kind. Trust me." She said dead-serious and I burst out laughing, with her following me after a second. I loved hearing her laugh.

„What are you scared of?" She asked after our laughing-session died.

I scraped my forehead, thinking hard of something.

„I don't know" she gazed into my eyes and I felt my cheek go red a little. Great. That's exactly what I need, thinking of being exposed that I'm secretly falling for her and blushing like a little girl at her first crush.

„Come on, everybody's scared of at least one thing. No one's fearless." she exclaimed and I nodded, still racking my brain of what to say when it finally hit me.

„I'm scared of rejection." I stated and her lips parted a little, staying quiet for a moment, I think she didn't breathe for a mere second.

„Care to explain a bit?" I know she wasn't asking for explaination because she didn't understand what the word 'rejection' means, but because she wanted to know what I really meant with it.

„Like, not that kind when you're rejected in a job interview or when your high school crush rejects you when you ask them out on a date. It's when you feel so _in need_ of somebody, and they reject you. It's when you know that they are the only freaking one on the face of Earth that could make you happy, and they reject you. They reject making you happy.." I say, trailing off, her gaze still burning into mine, before it suddenly drops to my lips.

Don't get too excited.

„You've got some.. chocolate on you" She says finally, pointing at me cheek. I sigh a silent sigh and wipe my face, wishing so badly to miss the spot, but as I take a look at my palm I see I managed to get it off myself. Yea, be skillful now, Spencer. I imagined her soft fingers wiping it off my face, placing a light kiss on the spot right after.

„Spence?" she called out and I shook the thought.

„Hm?" was the only thing I could manage out my dry throat.

„I was asking you if you were speaking out of experience" she repetead.

„Oh," I looked around nervously, avoiding her eyes that were still on me. Do I have the right to even say yes? „Um, kinda. Maybe. Yes." I rambled and she laughed. I just smiled an awkward smile.

„I think rejection is something that not only one person holds towards another. It's something that you hold tightly to your chest, too. Because you're so scared of it, you make your heart a home for it. You welcome it in way before anyone even would think about giving it to you." she said with a small smile and I shift from my previous position, laying down on her bed.

I feel the bed shift on the right side of it as Ashley sits right next to my head, running her fingers through my hair gently. I keep myself from shivering.

„I'm scared of commitment." she breathed out, her fingers never leaving my hair.

I sighed at the thought of that before she continues.

„Not like, commitment in a relationship. Don't get me wrong. I think I could be committed to somebody." she exhaled audibly and her breath hitched in the middle again. It was one thing I only heard her doing. It was her special little breathing technique or something. I wanted to smile as the thought made its way through my mind, but I didn't want her to stop talking and asking me what my smiling is about.

„I could be but I..Maybe it's not even commitment what I'm scared of I just.. I feel like I can't let people in. I don't _want_ them in. You know, I .." she trails off and breathes out loudly again before continuing. „I don't want them near me or in my business. I don't want to love them. I don't_ need_ to love them." She said, now with her voice seeming angry a bit.

She looks down at me, stopping with stroking my hair, but her hand stays where it was. She has something in her eyes that I can't quite read when she stares at me, and I hate myself for it.

„I don't even know what I'm rambling about, sorry" she says, with an apologetic smile.

I shook my head a little and smiled back.

„I hope you'll let me in some day" I say to her sincerely. I can't read her expression but I don't even have the time to, because her doorbell rings.

She gets up and leaves me laying in her bed, with the aching spot in my hair where her hand was placed a second ago.


	11. Connect the dots

**Okay, so this one's kind of different with Ashley's point of view, hope you'll like it and that this chapter will clear the air for you a little more. By the way, don't hate on Spencer so much, she's a little confused with everything that's going on, too. Give her time:)**

* * *

Chapter 11.

Connect the dots

Ashley's POV.:

I sat there with my hand in her hair, messaging her head gently. Her eyes were wide open, she was staring up at me with those ocean eyes. It was surprisingly soothing.

„I don't even know what I'm rambling about, sorry" came from me, and I added a small smile.

She shook her head under my hand and flashed me one of those relaxing smiles. Oh, how I loved those. You know, when you look at it and it kinda melts your heart, and your previously tightened muscles let go, your tense body relaxes, your soul calms. Those smiles.

Her voice was doing things to me, too. There are some people who you could listen to all day, because that's just how much you love the sound of their voices. Spencer had this ability to have me listen to every word that left her mouth. Her voice was so very mesmirizing to me.

She took a breath and I knew I was gonna hear that sound again, and it made me all kinds of happy. Weird or not, it really did.

„I hope you'll let me in some day." She said, kind of as a whisper, her voice sincere.

And then I realized that she _was_ in. I let her in without even acknowledging the fact. She was more in than anyone ever before.

And it scared me.

The door bell rang me out of my thoughts and I practically jumped up from beside Spencer and made my way hurrying out the room that she was in. I was glad that someone decided to ring my bell at this very moment, because I don't know what I would've said to that. I needed to get away from her because I'm sure that if I'd stayed there, I would've invited her more in. Way more in for my liking.

Even though from the moment she's kissed me, that's all I want to do. Let her in, let her take everything I still had left to offer.

I was never good with people. Ever. In my heart there was only place for my mother and I had no intentions in letting anyone take her place, or share it with her. After that night I was left with only memories of her loving embrace, and an aching chest. Interacting with people around me was always quite hard, because I wasn't used to it. The nice little chats everyone seemed to have happily with aquaintances, friends, co-workers. I've never been into that. The night-outs that would make the relationhips grow stronger, the lunches, or early night dinners with the same cause, I hated them. There was only a few times I went.

I was bitter. I am bitter.

As a kid with no parents I was sent to an orphanage. The ladies there, who were running the place were really nice to me. Still, I was never able to have any emotions towards them. I never loved them and after a while they stopped trying to be nice with me, and tried harder to find me a family.

There were 2 families I've lived with until I turned 18. Both families with the same excuses, sent me back after a short period of time. They said I was cold. That they couldn't have me around longer, because I'm infecting the love of their families with my bitterness. I actually heard them saying it, as I was seated in the same room while they 'returned' me.

The only thing I cared about was my studies. My mother was a nurse. And maybe because of that, or just because I've always had a passion for it, after I got out of there, I studied health care and this is where I am now, being a care-taker and a part-time nurse at the local hospital. It's quite interesting, aware of the fact that I don't like people in general, but helping people and having them as your friends are two different things for me. I never talk to them and they never ask me personal questions. I just do my job.

_I help_.

I'm surprised I even managed to lose my virginity, really. Don't laugh.

As much as I don't like having people around me, I'm still human. I have my needs. I realized when I was at the orphanage, that the other gender didn't excite me at all. It was an all girls place, and I had this girl in my room, named Dora. She was older and she was openly gay, having a girlfriend at the time, who also happened to be in the same room as me. When she and her girlfriend had a fight, she came rushing through the door and kissed me without even saying anything first. And her lips felt so good on mine that I just went with it. I let her do anything she wanted to me, and God, it was amazing. But it wasn't special. It wasn't how it was always 'thaught' to us when we started to grow into curious teenagers. It was not gentle, it was not with someone who I loved. It was lust and a simple phyisical need.

When I met Spencer on the streets, I didn't stare at her because I was surprised at how she managed the situation, but because I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

Her eyes. They made me feel all these different feelings and when she stepped towards me, I chickened out because I've never felt them before towards anybody.

Anybody, but my mother.

Well, it wasn't that strong, it couldn't have been, but the feelings were so similar to those I felt for my mother I could hardly breathe when she tried giving me her jacket. I haven't felt those feelings since _she_ was gone.

I felt protected. I felt safe. Warmth running through my body, making me tingle inside with sympathy for this complete stranger who just saved my sorry ass from getting raped, or even killed. I just wanted to embrace her right there and then.

Not to say that for the first time in my life, I became so attracted to somebody. Not just sensually, but I started caring about her as a person. Every little thing she's ever said to me, I believe I still could recall them. Call me theatralic, but really. Like I mentioned before, she's got me paying my undivided attention to her when she opens her mouth to speak.

That night when she saw me lose it in her car, then took me home I was terrified. Terrified that I'd scared her off. I didn't want her to leave because I was almost certain she would never come back, and something in my heart told me I couldn't possibly survive that. She gave me something. Other then that amazing kiss we shared, which she told me she regretted or never even meant to do. I pulled away because I didn't want to rush things, even though at first I failed at resisting her delicious lips. I wanted her around for more than just a one-night stand. And that night she kind of acted that way. Like she just wanted to sleep with me. Even though I knew that couldn't be the case. Those times when she would just come over and talk to me, telling me all those wonderful or, in such cases, horrible stories of hers, I believe she was genuine with all those pretty smiles and small teases she was giving me. To be honest, it was so hard to keep myself back from kissing her way before that night when she made that step, beating me to it. Her lips were so tempting.

But enough of this. I think I blew it with the whole 'stop kissing me' thing and now we're just friends. This is where we stand. Friends. And even though, surprisingly I am more than okay with that, which as by now you know is pretty rare with me, I crave for more. I crave for more but I'm freaking out. Freaking out because all these sudden feelings towards this girl are scaring the living shit out of me.

And I don't know what I want. I don't know if I even want her in. In my heart. Because that might be too much for me to take. I can't.. I feel like I don't have the ability to love someone thoroughly. And she deserves being loved thoroughly. And I may not be the person who could give that to her.

Just at the thought of that I'm sick to my stomach. This seems so right but then so wrong at the same time.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

Maybe I'm just scared because I have no idea how she would react to all my bullshit. How she would react if she knew I stabbed my father with a knife, and the very same knife caused my mother's death and then let my father burn alive in our house, only caring about helping myself. Ever since I've been having these dreams and I can't manage to stop them. That horrible night playing over and over and over again, with my father's fingers around my neck tightly and my mother's dead eyes right in front of me. Ever since I sometimes get these panic attacks when it comes to fire, or something burning near me.I don't believe anyone would ever want to deal with this.

With me.

I shook my head hard as this made its way through my brain. I can't.

But then it hits me again, that effect she has on me. I can't just let her out. She's already in and I can do nothing about it. But if we keep it at just friends, maybe she wouldn't have to know about all this.

I knew I was lying to myself but I couldn't just let her go. Even if only as friends, I needed her by my side.

* * *

It turned out that some kids were messing in the neighbourhood and were running around, ringing all the door bells.

Trying hard to clear my head, I slowly made my way back to my room.

To her.

* * *

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	12. You are so perfect

**Hey everyone out there who's following this story. Firstly, I apologize for taking so long, The holidays and then school got me occupied. Hope you all are still here, reading. Enjoy!:)  
**

* * *

**Chapter 12.**

**You are so perfect**

**Ashley's POV.:**

„Who was it?" she asked, pushing herself up on my bed, so she could look at me.

„Just some kids messing around" I answered and she must've sensed that something was off beat as I made a visible distance form between us. That intimacy we shared just before I left was completely gone now.

„Oh" she exhaled, sitting up fully. I'm not sure, but I guess she just raised her eyebrow at the sudden change of my behaviour.

„Who was that redhead at your party?" my first intention with this quiestion was just to avoid that uncomfortableness that took over, but than I realized I really was curious, and I did want to know who that readhead was. My fist tightened at the thought of her, kissing down on Spencer's slender neck.

Spencer's face hardened at my question.

Then she just hung her head and murmured.

„You mean Sophie?"

I sighed. Even her name was pretty.

„She seemed to be pretty much into you" I tried to give her my best fake smile, but I believe it turned out to be a slight forwn. Her face was mirroring mine as she finally looked up at me. It seemed like she had a hint of shame and regret in her eyes. At least, that's what _I_ managed to read out of them.

„Well..we own a little history." she said and I gulped down that unfamiliar feeling that started making its way up my throat.

I just looked at her, waiting for her to continue. Or maybe I didn't want her to continue. Maybe I didn't want to know. I wish my ears were shut when she finally did continue to talk.

„She used to be that kind of a friend." she breathed in a low, barely audible voice.

Okay, I definitely did not want to know that.

„Used to be?" I raised a brow.

Now it was her turn to gulp.

„We.. got together before the party begun. But she doesn't mean anything. It's just sex. _Was_."

Now everything was obvious and it pained my heart to hear her speak those words.

I tried harder and harder to push that feeling back into the pit of my stomach. That feeling which almost made me actually yell for the first time in my life.

Jealousy.

I had no right.

So I stayed still, silent.

„Ash?" she called out to me, because I couldn't speak for what it felt only seconds, but minutes must've passed, because now she was standing, looking intently at me.

„Yes?"

„Are you okay?" Her voice was just plain sad now.

„Sure, you just..managed to surprise me" I tried again with that fake smile, now with a little more succes and she smiled back, though it wasn't _that_ smile of hers.

And I kind of hated it.

Because I was way too familiar with the situation. I've been doing the exact same thing. The itches were sratched and that was all that mattered. But it stopped. I stopped. I haven't slept with anyone in months now. Maybe because there were no itches any more, but even I had to laugh a little at the thought of that, so I was left with the other optional cause: Spencer.

Her cell ringing made us quit our staring contest as she snapped her eyes that were boring into mine for long seconds.

„Yep?" she answered it with such ease, that it already made who the caller was obvious. At least I guessed it was that guy, Johnny. She plopped back on my bed, burrying her face in her free hand.

„Come on Johnny, can't you just go by yourself?" she groaned.

Told you.

„Alright, coming." and with that she hung up and looked up at me with an even sadder look playing on her face.

„I gotta go" she breathed, never moving from my bed though.

„Okay" I said, moveless as well.

„Will I see you later?" she finally moved and got up, throwing her jacket on. She made her way to where I was standing with and unsure expression plastered on her face.

I just nodded and there we went again, standing in front of each other, just staring, letting brown meet blue for longer than it would be necessary.

You could cut the tension.

It was tension of all kinds.

Mixed, but strong feelings were swirling inside me. Some of them were sensual, some passionate, some got me sick to my stomach all over again and some got my head to ache.

I've never felt so many things in my entire pathetic life and they were fucking tearing me apart.

_She _made me feel all these things and it was tearing me apart.

„Okay" she breathed after a good one minute of just looking at me. She stepped forward me, lifting her arms up, but stealing a quick glance before finally embracing me.

I let my hands find the small of her back and she pulled me tighter in to that contact. I couldn't help but linger in her arms, and they did not seem to want to let go of me either.

When she finally did, with no hesitation she made her way towards my front door, hurrying down the stairs. Her rushing caught me a bit off guard so I was still standing in the middle of my now lonely room. I quickly made my way after her, and she was standing in the doorway, with the handle in her hands, pushing down on it a little.

„Johnny thought we could go out to eat tonight at Ben's, if you feel like it. You can bring someone with you.. if you want." she added that last part quietly and opened my door to step out into the snow.

**Spencer's POV.:**

After that hug I didn't have the guts to stay there any longer, otherwise I know I would've done something I was not allowed to.

Her face noticably fell when I told her about Sophie.

She must feel something about me too, right?

Right?

And now I felt even more terrible about the whole situation with Sophie. I was using her, and it wasn't right. I made a note to myself to have a talk with her about it, and end it completely.

„So, what did you need me for exactly?" I questioned Johnny as he stepped aside from his vehicle, covered in engine-oil.

„Just trying to get a hold of you. We haven't hung out in like, forever" he shrugged.

I rolled my eyes.

„We're going out to eat, are we not?" I asked, with a hint of sarcasm.

„Yea, but I bet you invited Ashley, too"

„I did. Your point being?"

„We never get to hang out anymore, Spence. As in, just you and me."

Sometimes I really fetl like slapping him across the face for saying things like that.

We live together, see each other every damn day, what more could he possibly need?

„Stop with this shit already, will you?" I spat and he shrugged again, avoiding my prior sentence.

„I'm just saying." he said and went back to under his car that was chained up so you'd have free acces to the bottom.

„I feel like I'm drowning in a huge pile of shit here, and this is the only thing on your mind to say to me?"

Johnny stayed quiet. He was not one to fight back.

He hated fights.

And so did I.

„Uh..I'm sorry, I just-" I started and collapsed onto the couch that was placed at the back of the large garage.

Johnny peaked from under his car.

„Hey," his voice turned a bit softer „_I'm _sorry. I know you're putting up with a lot right now." He finally settled down next to me and exhaled slowly. „How's your brother?"

„We don't really know much. They kept him in, though." I sighed. „He got sedated."

Johnny took an exhausted breath and closed his eyes.

„He would have jumped, Johnny." I stated, my voice so low that I wasn't sure that I even said anything.

„I know." he nodded, his voice kept down just as quiet as mine.

I looked down at my shaking hands.

„Can I smoke in here or you'll force me out so I'll freeze to death before cancer gets to me?"

Oh here I go, Spencer bad jokes Carlin.

Johnny's brows furrowed and I held my hands up in the air, defending myself.

„Let's go to Ben's, Ashley might be there already."

„Why aren't you picking her up?" he asked, completely losing track with my actions towards this girl.

„I, kinda told her she could bring someone if she wanted." I hang my head, because hell, I didn't want her to bring a date. But I needed to know if she would. If she wasn't interested in my at all.

„What? But didn't you want to spend some time with her afterwards?"

„I did. I do, just..I need to figure things out, and I find this a way good to do so. If she brings someone, then I'll know she's clearly not interested in me." I ended, feeling smart, but Johnny's smirk washed all the warm feelings away of being proud of my little plan.

„You're such a kid, Spence. What if she brings a friend? And they are like you and me?"

I hated that he had a point.

„We'll see." I simply reacted and motioned him towards my car.

* * *

I sat in a booth with Johnny, can't keeping my eyes back from looking at the entrance every other minute.

„Chill, Carlin" He giggled.

„That only made it worse, thank you." I hissed.

He shook his head than his eyes wandered behind my back, his previous smile was replaced with a soft frown, and he opened his mouth to talk, his voice a bit off.

„Don't be disappointed, but-" he was cut off by a husky voice that I already recognized way too easily.

„Hey guys" I looked up, smiling, only to have it replaced with a frown as well.

I frowned at the girl standing beside Ashley as she gave a small smile to both me and Johnny.

„This is Avery" she started as she pointed at the blonde.

Her hair only reaching down to the middle of her neck, a little messy and mixed with a brown-ish shade. She had her eyebrows raised a bit, and I figured she was that kind of a person who always had them raised, even if only just a little, and it made her look like she was constantly tired.

Her leather jacket thrown on her casually, tight black skinny jeans lacing her legs and they ended in Nike shoes. She was kind of the definition of a butch girl. Very tomboy-ish.

She held her hand out to me and I took it, murmuring my name under my breath. I wasn't really delighted with her being there, by Ashley's side. As whatever she was, a date or just a friend.

She seemed like a great threat. That one girl who could conquer every girl's heart.

Hopefully not _every_ girl's.

Thankfully, she sat in the booth next to Johnny, so Ashley slipped in beside me.

It turned out, that Avery was a co-worker of Ashley's in the hospital.

After we had what we ordered in front of us, everyone started a little chat. I didn't feel like talking, so I just listened as Ashley laughed at something Avery has said.

„Yea, it's pretty fun working with you, really." Ashley giggled and Avery just snorted.

Well hello there, inside jokes.

I admit I was getting a little jealous there, even though I had nothing to be jealous over. At least, officially nothing. But I felt like that I was building up something with Ashley, and it made my heart ache a little, that this girl was making her laugh and giggle instead of me. I knew that I was just exaggarating, but It still felt like that.

As much as I could tell, Johnny liked the girl, she was just as into cars as he is. So they went on with the conversation they've started about Johnny rebuilding his Mazda.

I stared down at my salad as they were chattering around me and felt Ashley shift a little, and for I was quiet the whole time, she poked me a little, scooping a bit closer to me.

„Everything ok?" She spoke quietly.

„Everything's great." I smiled and she crunched her brows in concern.

„Are you lying to me, Spencer Carlin?" she poked me on the side again, her voice playful, grinning at me like a child.

I waved her off, matching her grin.

„A penny for your thoughts?" She asked as she looked over at the other two who sat at the table with us, but deep in conversation. „Do you want to take a walk or something?"

I've suddenly got an idea.

„I'd rather drive you somewhere." She looked at me questioning, a smile still playing on her lips, only it might have gotten a little wider. I liked it.

The other two looked up at our mumblings, and raised their eyebrows at the very same time.

„What's up on the other side of the Planet?" Johnny asked teasingly and then let out a small 'ow' as I kicked him in the shin.

„I was wondering if you could catch a cab back home?" I asked, signalling with my eyes to take the girl, too.

Ashley never took her gaze off of me, her eyes were burning into the side of my head.

Johnny turned towards Avery. „I can catch a cab with you if you want, and while we're at it, we could drop by the garage so you can check out the car."

Hats off to my dear friend. And a huge proud pat on his back.

Avery glanced at Ashley and smirked, Ashley blushed a little. If only I knew what was going on with them. I never met with any of Ashley's friends before.

Friends. Hopefully they're are just at that.

„Okay, sure" Avery turned back to look at Johnny and offered an excited smile.

I hesitated to get up, nervously biting my lip while glancing at Ashley, who was already on her feet.

„Move your ass, Carlin" Ashley chuckled and threw on her jacket.

„Yes, mom" I snapped back playfully. She frowned a little before waving goodbye to Johnny and Avery.

It was cold outside, so I was again very thankful for my baby.

Yea, my car.

I turned on the heat and rubbed my hands together, blowing into them to warm them up.

„Are you ok? You looked like a lost puppy in there" She let out a soft, short laugh as she was mirroring my actions. I turned on the car and pulled out the driveway and onto the road that was leading us out of the city.

„At least I looked cute then" I pointed out with a sly grin and she just laughed.

„So what are we doing exactly?" She asked after we were driving for 10 minutes.

„I want to take you somewhere" I smiled softly and Ashley seemed to blush a little.

Maybe I still had that Carlin charm I used to have back in high school. I smirked at the thought as I cut the road and continued my way close beside the forest on a cart-road.

„So you brought me here, to the forest-side to drag me in, slice me up and sell my organs?" Ashley sighed knowingly, with a death serious expression on her face.

I snickered and then stopped abruptly. „Yes." I said with the same seriousness in my voice as I stared at her.

She laughed out loud, her husky laughter filling the inside of my car and my ears.

It filled my heart with joy.

I guess I was smiling goofily, because she raised her eyebrow at me, smirking.

„What's the smiling about?" she asked, pushing me on the shoulder a little.

„I like the way you laugh" I admitted absent-mindedly and just as it came out of my mouth I already regretted it. I'm giving myself away way too much. „I mean, not in a, in a way that it's sexual or something"

Smooth Carlin. Real smooth.

She laughed out louder this time.

„So it doesn't make your panties all.." she let the sentence linger and winked, crinkling her nose up with her wide grin.

I think I looked like a freaking lobster at that very moment. And I was purely shocked that Ashley Davies just made a dirty joke.

„And you're cute when you're rambling, not to mention when you go beet red." she said between giggles. „Not like in a, in a way that it's sexual, or something." She laughed at her own joke, mimicing me perfectly.

I rolled my eyes playfully and felt the redness creep more and more up to my cheeks and my ears too.

I finally pulled up at the spot I knew I could leave the vehicle behind. There was a narrow path guiding through the forest and Ashley snapped her gaze up and stared at the view. It was actually quiet fascinating in the snow.

Movie-like.

If she only knew how beautiful it will be once we get to where I planned to take her in the first place.

„Wow" she exhaled slowly.

I was staring at her as she was staring out at the view. The sun glittered on the snow and it made her eyes sparkle. Her brown locks were falling on her shoulders perfectly, looking so soft.

She was breathtaking.

„Yea, wow" I repeated her words, still not taking my eyes off of her, storing the moment.

Ashley snapped her gaze at me and I turned my head away so quickly, that my neck made a cracking sound.

„Ow," I catched onto it. It actually hurt. „Fuck" I muttered.

„Careful with the quick movements." she smiled softly. What happened was so obvious, it was almost ridiculous. I knew she was aware of me staring at her in awe.

„Well," I said while getting out of the vehicle „That's gonna hurt for a while" I let out a shirt laugh.

„Aww, I can give it a massage for you" her smile was quickly replaced with some kind of a shocked expression as she realized what she'd said. She shook her head,seemeingly scolding herself for acting this way, looking down. „I mean if you want me.."

Oh I want _you._

I loved how shy she just got. This all _must_ mean something, right? I can't be the only one who sees it.. feels it.

„That'd be nice." I played it cool, as if her,touching my bare neck and shoulders, alone wasn't a complete turn on.

As I was leading her the way into the forest, towards our destination, I heard her teeth chatter. God she was so adorable with those pouts she was giving me all the way there.

„Is it far?" she chattered. „Cause I'm kind of freezing here"

„No, we are actually a few steps away only" I said with a soft smile and gently turned her back to go a little further.

I think I heard her jaws drop yet again.

„Spence..this is beautiful. So, so beautiful." She mumbled under her breath.

„Do You like it?" I asked a little shyly. This place held so much importance to me, that I kind of craved for her to like it.

The ice was surrounding the small well as it was steaming into the cold air. As the sun was going down, it made the steamy air play in mutliplate colours, like orange and pink, and a hint of navy blue. It was fascinating.

„Of course I do, God, I've never seen something so pretty"

Oh I have. Wink wink.

I was so thankful to my brain that I never said these little inner thoughts out loud. I would look and sound like a complete moron.

„Good" I answered instead, quietly gulping.

„How do you know this place?" she asked, finally taking her gaze off the view, looking at me.

„I come out here a lot to think" I shrugged.

„Oh" was all she said before I heard her chatter her teeth agian.

„God, you're gonna freeze on me here" I sighed playfully and took off my coat to wrap it around her petite body.

I wasn't cold. This whole situation with her was such a warm up, that I'm surprised I didn't start sweating.

„Spencer, put it back on, you're gonna catch a cold!" she battled a little but I insisted with keeping my arms around her a little longer so she couldn't shrug it off.

To my surprise, when I was about to pull away, her small hands found their ways to get a hold of my forearms that were wrapped around her securely.

My heart was bumping through my chest, as we stood there together, at my favorite place, holding onto each other.

Everything was so peaceful.

„Just for the record, I'm not trying to be romantic here" I said in a playful firm tone as I stepped away from her after minutes of just holding each other and enjoying the view. I didn't want to push anyhting.

„Figured you wouldn't," she turned to face me „you did let me know that when you told me that when you kissed me, it didn't mean anything." she said half serious, but still with a small smile.

„I, Uh," I gulped before letting my question slip through my lips. „Did you want it to mean something?"

„It could mean you're attracted to me. I mean, friends are attracted to each other sometimes, right?" she mumbled with a small, nervous laugh.

„Are you?"

„I'd be blind if I wasn't" she winked and stepped away from me to take a closer look at the steamy well.

I felt a fuzzy feeling run through me.

_'I'd be blind if I wasn't'_

It repeated in my head over and over again.

So she was attracted to me.

„Spence, come check this out!" she yelled back to me from far away. I didn't even notice she went that far. I was in trance ever since her last words were spoken to me.

„Take a fucking grip, Carlin" I hissed to myself.

As I was making my way towards her, her grin was growing by every second.

„Look at this" she pointed her finger towards the small hut. I smirked.

„Oh, that was my next surprise to show you" I slyly smiled.

„What?" her husky voice sounded so excited and happy at the same time. I loved it.

„That's uh," I pointed at the hut too. „kinda mine"

„Kinda?" she raised a brow.

„Well, it was a hunter's, but he gave up hunting a little after he built this, when he did so he gave me permission to come here whenever. I guess he moved away like, 2 years ago, so if not really officially, but it is pretty much mine now. I furnished it and all."

Her soft chuckle filled the cold air.

„Can I see it then?" she asked, taking a step towards me, her gaze boring into mine.

„You should, uh," i lifted my arm up for her to take „hold on tight. It's a little jerky." I smiled , nodding towards the small wooden bridge that led us to the door.

* * *

„It's kind of funny, isn't it?" she asked, sitting comfortably on the couch that I placed in front of the huge fireplace.

„What is?" I quirked a brow from next to her.

„To be out here _together" _My heart jumped a little at her words.

„Why?"

„Well, for one it's pretty cozy in here, it makes me wanna cuddle, which makes me feel like I'm on a date."

I laughed a little, sipping on the wine I poured myself from that one bottle I've brought out here if an occasion like this came up.

Ashley never touced her glass, though.

„Do you think we could cuddle a little?" her husky voice asked as it filled my ears. Okay, my heart was now officially a ticking bomb.

„Uh," she shifted a little, biting down her bottom lip. „ I mean..I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, so uh, it's okay if you actually mind-"

I caught her off with putting my palm over her mouth gently.

„Yes, I think we could cuddle a little." I smiled softly at her.

I wonder if she knew how happy she just made me by asking me.

She cuddled against me with her back against my front and I let out a content sigh. Her intoxicating scent pulling me right in, I let my nose linger in her hair for a moment.

The wood was cracking in the fireplace that was letting out so much warmth, that no one in this hut could tell that there was a snowstorm going on outside, aside from hearing the wind blow roughly.

„This feels pretty perfect, doesn't it?" I spoke for the first time in what seemed like hours.

She was breathing lightly, evenly. I moved my head a little further that was placed on her shoulder a second before.

Her eyes closed, she was sleeping soundly in my arms.

I leaned closer a bit more and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, her skin soft against my lips. I let out a silent moan at the feeling.

„You are so perfect" I whispered as I was brushing my lips over her ear. She shifted a little but her eyes remained closed, and she was still asleep in my arms.

I felt weariness creeping over me, and I closed my heavy lids, resting my head back on her shoulder.

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	13. Uncertainty

Chapter 13

Uncertainty

I shivered as I opened my eyes, immediately feeling the loss of warmth that the brunette gave me when in my arms. The thin sheet that was pulled over me didn't protect me from the cold that took over the air in the hut.

Looking around I had to realize that I was very much on my own.

Rubbing my hand on my face I let out a disappointed sigh and kicked off the sheet.

When I did so, the front door flew open, and there stood the brunette that fits so perfectly in my arms, with rosy cheeks from the cold and coffee in each hand.

I couldn't help the smile that was on my face right away as I eyed her.

„Coffee?" She asked, her voice quiet.

„Oh, yes, yes please!" I jumped up from the couch that held us both the other night as we fell asleep , tangled together, grinning like a fool as I made my way towards her, taking one of the cups out of her hand. I was going for a hug as a thank you, but she moved away so quickly that she was already passed me and on the couch before my still sleepy brain could process anything.

„Well then thank you, verbally." I said, my eyebrows running high up.

„What are friends for, right?" She smiled, but it looked so fake it made me shiver again, and this time it wasn't the temperature's fault.

„Yea," I sighed and decided to just let it go. I took a seat next to her, close.

„Sleep good?" I asked as she shifted a bit further from me.

„Good, yea. You?" She hurried it out as if she didn't want to recall the night.

„Quite good, I had a great pillow.." I lingered my words and softly brushed her brown locks off from her shoulder, stroking it gently.

She shot up as if she was a rocket that was set out.

„I'm hanging out with Avery tonight, can you take me back to town?" The sentence left her mouth quickly and she was already close by the door, ready to leave.

„Sure" I rubbed my eyes a little and followed her out the hut, turning back to lock the door.

I felt like a total moron. Like I've been played or something. I couldn't wrap my head around this whole situation and these sudden changes in her behaviour.

One minute she wants to cuddle me and now she wouldn't even look me in the eyes. What did I do wrong, or did I miss something while I was asleep that led her to act this way today? Last night and the sweet scent that escorted me to sleep seemed long gone, so distant and it made me a little sick to my stomach.

And hanging out with Avery all of a sudden? I knew that girl was trouble..

I tightened my muscles as I was grabbing the steering wheel, my knuckles went white from the pressure as I was driving us back to town. Or in other words, to reality where Ashley was just a friend. Saying that I was confused is an understatement.

„Why are you being so distant?" I managed to find my voice and speak up, because the silence that fell on us was killing me slowly.

„Am not" she said firmly and grabbed the handle to get out as I pulled up in her driveway.

Reaching over I put my hand on hers and pulled the door shut again that she opened slightly a second ago. I kept my hand in place, over Ashley's. My face was inches away from hers and I could feel and I swear I even heard her breath hitch a little.

„You are" I whispered and I felt her breath on my lips. I let my gaze drop down for a moment and got lost in it right away. „Ashley.." My voice was so low and quiet I wonder if I even said anyhting as I was now leaning in towards those taunting lips.

„I can't, I'm sorry" and before I knew, she was out of my vehicle and vanished into her house.

I got to work and my whole day was ruined because my boss caught me walk in 2 hours later than I was supposed to, so he managed to give me the worst clients who could barely speak or understand english, so all those hopeful trans were possibly doomed because I had no idea how to deal with them today. My mind was off to somewhere else, back in the hut, lost in the lingering memories of last night and then Ashley's strange ways with me in the morning. I dragged my ass home after everyone else had left and finally the chief decided to let me off the hook.

Johnny was out, fixing up something on his half-built car so I was sitting in my living room alone, staring at the TV that had something on that could wash your brain if you watched it for too long. I sighed as even this stupid show couldn't get my thoughts off the brunette.

From my tiny daze or whatever you would call this state I was left in, my ringtone pulled me out of.

„Spencer Carlin" I spoke and a familiar woman's voice answered.

„Evening Miss Carlin, I'm calling from the hospital to inform you that you're brother is awake and concious, so you can come and see him tomorrow-" I heard her exhale and I believe the phone was pulled away from her ears for a second „or even today, if you can get here before six."

„I'll be there in 10" I rushed out and hung up before she could say anything else.

I hurried through the entrance and took the way I already knew as if it was my own home.

Sad.

'**Psychiatry' **A sign was put up at the beginning of the hallway but it was pointless for me to look at it at all, I was already familiar with every corner.

I stopped in my tracks as I saw her leaning over my brother, helping him sit up a bit.

„Avery?" I called out in surprise.

She turned around and smirked immediately as she took my appearence in.

„Spencer, hey" she made a step towards me „I see you've been in a hurry leaving home"

I looked down to see what she meant and realized that i hadn't changed and left in my comfy sweater that had kittens all over it. She winked at me and left the room.

Zane cleared his throat a little, speaking hoarsly as if it was his first time talking.

„Hey Spence" he let a small smile slip.

„Hey Dude" I plopped on the bed beside him and messed up his hair a bit.

„I'm sorry" he looked away „You don't have to be here, Spence"

I sighed.

„You're such an idiot" I pushed him aside a bit so that we could share the pillow. I laid my head back and exhaled slowly.

„So I've been told" he chuckled lifelessly.

„You know I didn't mean it that way.." I rubbed my face, feeling like I haven't slept in days as everything that's been happening started to crush down on me again.

„Why are you doing this, Zane? I love you. Your family loves you."

„Should we ask our dear father about that?" he scoffed.

„I know how he is, but he still wouldn't want you to be in this state."

After a short silence Zane let a small sob escape his lips and grabbed his head, pulling on his hair violently.

„I feel like I'm going mad, you know. I'm going insane, Spence." He furiously wiped a single tear off his face.

I couldn't say a word. What do you say to your brother when he's falling apart in front of you

„Does it still hurt?" He asked, looking at my laced upper arm.

I sighed again.

„No"

„I'm so sorry" he burried his face in his palms. „Please, forgive me."

„I forgive you, okay? Don't worry about this, it's nothing. Just..let them help you, and get better." I stroked the back of his head and heard a familiar voice greet us.

„Hi, Mom" I said, getting off the bed. She hugged me before embracing my brother.

Quiet sobs were heard from both parts and for as it was getting emotionally way too much for me, I stepped out of the hospital room and sat outside in the hallway.

„I'm sorry about your brother" I heard Avery speak as she was getting closer to where I was sitting.

„For God's sake can everyone just stop saying sorry?!" I cried out in frustration. Avery sighed with a sad expression.

„Okay" she said, taking a seat next to me. „Are you alright?"

„I'm fantastic" I rolled my eyes. „Why are you here talking to me, anyway? Don't you have a date tonight with Ashley?" I spat angrily, letting all my frustration out on her and she gulped quietly.

„Look, I don't know what's going on between you two, but what I know is that as soon as you two started hanging out more, she changed. She was keeping it to herself at all times. She never asked to hang out or ever came when was invited. She was kind of the outsider nobody knew and vica versa. But she changed. I believe you do this to her. I mean, I think that this change for the better is you, but I can also see that it's scaring her more than anything. Just, don't let her push you away. I think she needs you. And-" she nodded towards the room that held my brother in it „I think you're pretty much in need of her, too. That's my opinion, even though you never asked for it." she quietly chuckled at herself.

I kind of wanted to punch her in the face for trying to analyze my friendship or whatever it was with Ashley, but I just stared at the floor instead. With the silence given, I started thinking about what she just said and I wondered how she knew so much about her, it completely seemed like she's watching her 24/7.

I felt her get up after a few seconds.

„Oh, and Spencer" I looked up at her as she called out my name. „If you let her go, I won't hesitate to be that change for her." And with that she walked away from me.

Yep, I definetely wanted to punch her in the face.

**Ashley's point of view:**

My doorbell rang and Avery showed up with a bottle of wine in my doorway.

„I don't drink" I declared as she made herself comfortable on my couch. She laughed.

„Let tonight be a special occasion. This one here is a delicious and expensive bottle of wine, you must try some." She smirked and I rolled my eyes. I thought about what happened yesterday and then about how I pushed away from Spencer again. I got scared. So, so scared. I don't know what came over me that night when we ended up falling asleep in each other's arms.

„No, I'm good with my soda" she shrugged at my words, not pushing any more on the subject which I was very grateful for, and opened up the bottle to pour some into her glass.

„So how's Spencer?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at me as I winced at the name and memories flooded my mind once again.

„Uh, good" I answered rushing, trying to avoid any more talking about the blonde.

„Really? Didn't seem so good to me today when I saw her at the hospital." she sipped a little from her glass of wine as my heart rate picked up at her words.

„What? Why was she there, is she okay?!" I hurried my words out and she smiled softly at me, taking her time with the answer.

„She's okay, Ashley. Physically, she's perfectly fine."

„Then why was she there?" I asked, having no clue where this was going.

„How come you don't know?" Avery looked at me surpised.

„Don't know what, Avery?!" I half yelled because I got so frustrated at the thought of Spencer in a hospital bed.

„Her brother was brought in to us a couple days ago"

„To the psychiatry?" I gasped.

„Yea" Avery shrugged. „I'm surpised Spencer didn't mention it to you."

„She didn't.." I trailed off a bit, knowing I never even gave her a chance to tell me about it with my stupid behaviour changes. „I should call her" I said, not moving yet.

„You should" Avery agreed.

When I dialed her number, it sent me straight to voicemail.

„_You've reached Spencer Carlin's voicemail. Try your luck next time, buddy. Or leave a message after that annoying beep sound."_

I couldn't help but smile a little, but also get more frustrated that I couldn't reach her.

„Hey, uh, call me when you get this" I lamely said and shut my phone closed, tightening my fist around it.

„How come I didn't come across his brother's case yet? I've had a night shift the other day."

„Don't ask me" Avery grabbed my glass and poured me some wine into it, hanging it out towards me.

I silently took it and downed it in a second, much to her amusement.

„You don't drink, eh?" she had a smirk palstered on her face.

„Shut it, Grey" Avery chuckled at my use of her last name but kept quiet though.

Guilt was building up inside me slowly, but surely. I was so lost in my own stupid struggles with my feelings that I forgot to make sure she was okay.

And now she isn't.

I kept glancing at my phone, hoping, waiting for it to signal that Spencer's calling. After a while of randomly chatting with Avery, who seemed to get over the fact that I almost got a heart attack at the hear of Spencer in the hospital, and the worry on my face that spread on it when she didn't answer her phone, I became pretty anxious.

„Quit staring at your phone, Ashley" she finally said and I ripped my gaze away from my phone that I put on the counter so it was in my sight.

I was about to tell her again to shut up but my ringtone interrupted me. My heart skipped to the sound and I grabbed it impatiently. I still noticed Avery roll her eyes before I spoke.

„Spencer?" I rushed out, waiting for her voice to float through the speaker.

„Hey Ashley, I'm sorry to bother but I was hoping you could change shifts with me tonight?" Esther spoke softly, she was an older nurse and had a very sick mother to take care of. She often asked for changing shifts, but she never asked me before.

„Uh, tonight?" I wanted to talk to Spencer tonight.

„Please, my mother is in a really bad shape today and she needs me by her side. You know I wouldn't ask if you were not my last chance." she pleaded and I sighed an 'okay', and she cheerfully thanked me, hanging up before I could change my mind.

I undressed and threw on my navy blue uniform. I started searching through the cases, trying to find the Carlin boy's. When I finally pulled it out of hundreds of other cases, I made my way rushing towards room 808.

„I'm checking up on the Carlin boy" I informed Blake, who didn't even look up from his phone, just gave me a nod.

I reached the door and it was slightly open, and I stepped in to find _both_ Carlins asleep.

My heart jumped at the sight of her. Visitors were not allowed to stay after 6, and it was already 8, so I did not expect her being here.

But she was, sitting with her legs pulled up under her, a book loosely hanging in her hand, her head tilted to the side, with black framed reading glasses on, and with her eyes closed, sleeping calmly.

I couldn't help but linger my gaze on her a little more than neccesary.

Then finally my eyes left their favorite sight, and wandered to the blonde boy in the hospital bed.

He was just as blonde as Spencer, his arms were bruised, his face pale. I examined his appearence from afar and wondered what happened to him.

I managed to take my eyes off of the both of them to take a look into his case, but I was snapped out of it before my brain could even process the very first line.

„Ashley?" I tired, sleepy voice of one Spencer Carlin was calling out my name. I know I shouldn't be thinking about something like this now, given the situation, but hell was it sexy.

„Hi" I greated her quietly and she shot up from the chair, I guess realizing that she was not dreaming and was fully awake now.

„What are you-" she looked me up and down and it clicked to her „Oh"

„Are you okay?" Despite the shakiness of my legs, I took a step forward, towards the blonde, reaching out a hand to embrace her. To protect her.

It was her turn to move away. I can recall me doing practically the very same thing this morning. Now I know how it feels like. It makes your heart feel like it just shuttered a little, and I'm not even being dramatic or over-exeggerating here.

„I'm fine, I was just about to leave." she rubbed her tired eyes and grabbed her jacket.

„No, no you can stay if you want"

„I'm not even allowed to be here at this hour, I must've dozen off." she rambled and went over to her brother, placing a soft kiss on his forehead, protectively keeping her hand on the top of his head while doing so.

„I'll just come back tomorrow"

„No, stay, I'll take care of it." I hurried it out, trying to keep her from leaving. I just wanted her stay here, where I could keep an eye on her so she wouldn't get hurt. By anything.

The feeling reminded me of that I've only felt for my mother before. The protective instinct that had developed in me but disappeared and never came to the surface right up until now.

Because no one so far in my life seemed to be so important than _she_ is at this very moment. I've only felt this way towards my mother because I had no other connections to people. I've only had a connection with her, and how much love she gave me, i think she gave as much as a mother could, and should.

But after her death I just stopped caring thoroughly. And now with Spencer in the picture, I just miss that feeling so much. That love. And everytime I look into her ocean blue eyes, I swear I can feel it again.

„Ashley, I'm tired" she stated, her jacket half way on her body.

„I just.." I couldn't finish my sentence because my instincts were driving me to her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

„You're suffocating me, Ash" she let out a short laugh and my stomach did a backflip at the shortened name.

„Sorry" I eased my hold on her but never let go fully.

„You look hot in your uniform" she smirked a little as she pulled away gently from the hug and stepped back to set up a distance between us. It felt so uncomfortable, like it wasn't right for her to be any further from me. I put my thoughts aside and played along with the playful teasing instead.

„I always do" I put on a sly smirk, too, brushing the unexistent dust off my shoulder.

She laughed quietly.

„Keep telling yourself that"

„Oh, I do, every other morning." I shrugged, keeping a straight face. Then I realized what she was doing. Maybe because that's what I do every time someone's trying to make a deeper conversation with me.

Change the subject.

She zipped up her jacket and ran a finger though her slightly wavy blonde hair.

I moved closer again.

„Carlin," her breath hitched as she got stuck between me and the wall behind her. „Talk to me"

She shook her head and let out a scoff, then a short, bitter laugh before lifting her gaze up to burn into mine.

„Do _you _ever talk to me?" I was defeated with one single sentence. „Hm?" Spencer moved her face closer to mine, staring at me with piercing blue eyes.

Her brother shifted in his bed and Spencer managed to get out from between me and the wall, making her quick way out the door. I followed just as rapidly, still in time to grab her wrist and stop her from rushing out of the hospital.

„What do you want me to tell you? What is it that you want to know so badly?!" my voice pitched up a little as it was filled with frustration.

Spencer stared at me with wide eyes, her breathing uneven showing me how worked up she was.

„Anything, Ashley!" she started, her arms flying up in the air. „I don't know a single thing about you and yet here I am, running after you, trying to make you feel all these things that _you_ make me feel!"

I gulped. Hard.

„Calm down" was all that could come out of my mouth and I mentally slapped myself for it.

Spencer scoffed even louder this time and stepped towards me, with her eyes tightly shut, before she parted her lips to speak.

„But you know what? I've had enough of you pulling me in and than pushing me away again. It makes me build up hope and then you crush it all the time in matter of hours. I just can't have you pull me in and then throw me out as if I was garbage, Ashley! At the end of the day you _always _manage to make me feel like I'm not worthy of you. And one can only take so much."

She exhaled loudly and ran her fingers through her hair once again. I noticed she did that a lot when she was nervous or annoyed. But I never noticed or maybe I just tried not to acknowledge the fact that I made her feel this way with my actions.

„And I think you've reached my limits." Spencer said, now much calmer, and she turned on her heels to walk away from me.

I couldn't get my legs to move and run after her.

I just let Spencer walk away from me, having no strenght left to stop her..


	14. Turn right

I knew what I had to do, and for once in my life I wasn't afraid to act on it. I needed her to know. I needed her to feel at least a little part of what she's been putting me through. I walked away because there was no reassurance that I wasn't going to keep yelling at her, or worse burst out crying like a baby.

It was all too much these days. Everything that shouldn't be happening, was. I had no control over the occurences in my life anymore and I hated it. I wanted to be in control of my own life, feelings, acts. But I wasn't, I was pushed to go with the flow. Which again, I hated more than anything. When you have no say in what and how it's going to go down. Worst feeling ever.

My mother welcomed me home as if I never moved away to begin with. Though it wasn't often I visited home, I still made time to see my mother and my younger sister. And it always reminded me of my childhood and teenage years, things pretty much being the same.

„Darling, I'm glad you came home. Are you staying for how long?" She mumbled, while still having the blanket thrown on her body. She had a night shift and I just woke her up from her well deserved sleep.

„I don't know, a couple of days, maybe a week. We'll see." I sat down across from her and she stared at me.

„What's going on in that head of yours?"

„Mom, I feel like I..I can't take any more." I let out a desperate, or more like pathetic sigh and she exhaled, too, scanning my face.

„I know things are way off with you now, but you gotta keep it together." she spoke and I nodded knowingly.

„Callie's bringing her daughter over this afternoon, she needs us to look after her for a bit." My eyes lit up at the thought of the little girl and volunteered immediately that I would look after her as long as needed.

„Thank you, Spencer. I don't think I'd be able to keep an eye on her today. I'm pretty exhausted." She leant back in the bed and and closed her eyes, only to open it a brief second later. „Wake me up at 4?" she asked, hoping she could get a couple of more hours to rest.

„Sure" and with that I left, and made myself comfortable in my childhood room. Nothing was changed and it felt comforting, having things around you that are not different and keep reminding your of easier times.

„Penceee" Emily ran towards me with her arms wide open and jumped. I caught her in mide-air, and hugged her to myself after spinning her around. She was four, so pronouncing my name was still an issue.

„Hey, baby girl" I said as I put her down and she wore a huge grin.

„Pay with me" she said, dragging me towards her backpack, which I assumed was full of her toys.

I've spent the afternoon being amazed how a little girl can be so happy effortlessly, not having a care in the world. She seemed to have a blast, even though she was just sitting on my bed, having a tea party. Yes, kids really do that whole imaginary tea party thing, and I find it adorable. Even though I've never played it when I was a child, it seemed entertaining enough that I didn't turn down the offer to participate in it. Appearently, we were having tea with Page, Anne and their baby sister, Jodelle. I mocked to be offended that she was able to pronounce these names, but had trouble with mine.

„I'm owwy Pence" she said, looking at me with puppy eyes.

I tickled her side and she squirmed. „Top it!" she screamed and jumped off the bed, running around in my room, while I chased her with a devilish grin.

When she got tired and I let my revenge - that I'd tickle her until she could not breathe - go, we were both sitting on my bed comfortably. I let my head tilt back against the headrest and closed my eyes, trying hard to push back those bad feelings I've been having way too much lately.

„Why awe you thad, Pence?" I felt my gulp get stuck in the middle of my throat as I turned to face the little girl, who had her eyebrows crunched together in a cute expression of concern. She still lisped 's' as a th sound or left the 's' out completely, like with my name, which I found adorable, and even though I wanted to teach her to say my name correctly, I didn't want to push her and make her feel uncomfortable. It was not my place to bug her with the whole misspronouncing thing.

„I'm not sad, Baby" I assured her but she shook her head in disbelief.

„I can feel it" she simply said, grabbing my hand that was resting carelessly beside me.

Have you ever felt this way? With kids, I mean. As if they could feel what you feel, even though they don't know a thing that's going through your head? Emily made me feel that way. She looked at me knowingly, even though her 4 year-old self had no idea why I was feeling down, she looked at me symphatetically.

„Don't be thad, Pence" she said, hugging me from the side. I stroked her unruly brown-ish hair, and smiled a little.

„I'll try" I dragged out, because I couldn't just lie to her again and say I wasn't sad. Little kids had this strong empathy in them, which I can't recall having when I was young. Maybe I just don't remember.

„Smile" she said, and I heard her struggle with it first but eventually was able to say it, and my eyes widened.

„Em, say it again!" I was so excited, she finally pronounced an 's'.

„Smile!" she half yelled in excitement as she kept saying it over and over again. And so I did, I smiled at her, feeling thoroughly happy.

„Can you say Spencer?" I asked, hoping she would be able to say it now. It would totally earn me cool points from Callie, if she realized that I taught her to pronounce the 's'-es.

Emily struggled a little, trying to say my name, when she finally spoke and succeeded.

„Spence!" Okay, we'll still have to work on the 'r'-s but that's still huge progress. I grinned widely at her and scooped her in my arms.

„You suffocate me, Spence" she said and it was like music to my ears to hear her say all those words with the 's'-es in them. It made me very happy, like, unreasonably happy. Finally something good happened, and I didn't care it was the smallest thing. I needed it like a breath of fresh air, or a síp of cold water after a long night-out.

Emily made me feel better, a whole lot better. I knew that having the little girl around would help and I was right. She was always a ray of sunshine ever since Callie brought her to us first.

When Callie came to get her, she clung to me and looked up at me.

„I'm staying for a couple of days, you can come over later, okay?" I smiled down at her sad little figure and she brightened up.

„I love you Spence!" she said, and hugged me tighter.

Callie shrieked a bit in happiness as she heard her daughter speak.

„Aww, my Baby, I'm so proud of you" she looked up at me. „I should bring her to you more often, you're a good influence" Callie bumped my shoulder with hers and flashed a grateful smile.

Callie was a single mother. And as far as I'm concerned, she was a lesbian. Emily is a beautiful mistake of a miserable one night stand. She was 21 when she had her and been raising her on her own ever since. I'm always mesmerized how much strenght can a human possibly have.

I walked the streets of my hometown and thought about little details about my childhood. My old friends, long forgotten hook ups, and stupid little things we did when I was young.

I found myself on the playground that was placed behind the councill-house that my grandmother used to live in. I grew up playing there every summer. We went to play basketball with the older guys, they taught me pretty good. I recall my grandma sitting on the bench on the side of the playground, watching over us, enjoying the light breeze that put her short hair in motion as it blew through it.

My phone rang and it snapped me out of my daze as I gazed the bench that was now empty.

„Hello?" I answered without checking the ID first and a husky voice spoke through the speaker.

„Spencer, please don't hang up" Ashley hurried out. I got my phone turned off, she must've tried calling me before. I've been here for 3 days now.

I stayed quiet, because I was deep in thought and couldn't really manage to form words.

„Where are you?" she asked, worried.

„I'm home" I finally was able to speak.

„No, I checked and you're not" she firmly said. It was a little amusing, despite everything.

„I, uh, with my family. My hometown, home." I cleared it up for her, but I was unable to put it into words without sounding like a moron.

„Oh" she breathed and I could hear it was filled with relief.

Long seconds passed before she finally spoke again.

„Okay, then, uh..good. Good, I'm sorry I bothered I just wanted to know you were okay."

I didn't answer, just shut my eyelids tight together at the not so gentle tug on my heart. I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want her to make me feel this..longing. This longing towards the young woman who I barely knew, let alone figured out. If someone asked, I'm not really sure I could answer why I had such strong feelings pulling me into her.

Ashley is fierce. There's something in her eyes, if you take your time looking into them. So many things all at once reflect from those deep brown orbs. Wildness, suspense, strength, weakness, sandess.. They made me want to just embrace her and never let go. In one hand, I felt attracted to this girl, who looked so fierce and exciting with her leather jacket and ripped skinny jeans, messy hair and misterious life. But on the other hand, I saw that part of her where her weakness and sadness peaked their head and that made me want to protect her from it all. And then and there it was clear to me, that wether as a lover or only as a friend, I wanted her in my life. And of that I was in charge of. I knew that it was me, that made things go overboard with us and that it was me who pushed away from her. But it was in my hands if I let her vanish completely from my life or not. And I, for the world, wouldn't let that happen.

„I'm going back today, can you meet me at Ben's for a coffee maybe?"

I knew I caught her off guard and her hesitant answer made me even more sure of that fact.

„Y-yes, of yourse. I'd love that." She murmured into her phone and made chills ran down my spine in the best way possible. Given the newly made rules, I let myself for the _last time _enjoy the effect of her voice on me. In a more than friendly way. It was only fair to milk the moment one last time.

I made my way to Ben's later that day. It was about 7, and was already dark out. I didn't mind, sometimes walking in the dark made me feel safe on the inside. I know this sounds stupid and unlogical as in every healthy person try to avoid roaming the dark streets at night, but it's not even about that. I feel secure, because people can't see my face. They can't read my tribulation or joy, they can't look at me. Okay, I can't describe it, really. I'm just safe with people not being able to know how I feel.

I stepped into the café and Ashley was already waiting for me, sitting in one of the booths, shaking her leg nervously. She did that a lot when she was nervous. It reminded me of my father, who used to do the same thing when he had something nerve-wrecking going on. I made my way to her and she gave me an unsure half-smile that fitted her face perfectly, even though it wasn't that nose-crinkling smile of hers, as she spotted me a short second later. I still took a second to adore it.

„Hey" I spoke and she ran her fingers through her beautiful brown locks.

„I adore kittens, hot chocolate and music. I'm pretty sure you were aware of the second fact though." She exhaled loudly and continued. „I'm an only child, so sharing is not really my thing, but I'm willing to do it, if someone's worthy of it. I love watching horror movies, but they scare the shit out of me and afterwards I sleep with the covers pulled over my head for days." she chuckled a little and I felt a small smile creep onto my face. „I've never been to scuba-diving but I want to go and try it so bad. Same goes for sky-diving." I knew that I had a shit-eating grin on my face as she got to this part. She was so adorable, I could kiss her senseless right there and then. Spencer! Quit with thinking dirty things around her. Damn.

„I consider meeting you one, if not the best things that ever happened to me. I've never felt so alive than when I'm with you." Count in Spencer Carlin blushing here. I'm being lame I know, but I was flattered. „I'm not in touch with my parents, even though I love my mother more than anything." She frowned a little at the these words.

„I know martial arts, but never used it in real trouble before, and on that one particular night that I met you, I was too shocked to do anything. So from that day on, I considered you my little heroine, who showed up from out of nowhere and put down a Hulk-sized man with her bare hand."

„Ash.." I smiled and realized just then, that I was holding onto her forearm gently, facing her, being closer than it was necessary.

„Not finished" she rumbled out. „I love being around you, but you know, sometimes afterwards I feel like I just watched a horror movie. I sleep with the covers over my head, because I'm so scared.

I couldn't help but rub up and down her arm gently.

„What are you scared of, Ashley?" I spoke softly, not wanting to disturb her peace of mind.

She took a deep breath and went on.

„I'm scared that you'll leave. And I don't want to lose you, Spencer. I can't put up with losing you, too."

I lifted both my eyebrows at the word; 'too', but then just sighed.

„You aren't going to lose me, Ashley. I'm not going anywhere."

She smiled up at me, but that sadness didn't leave her eyes. That insecurity lingered there, making me wrap my arms around her. It felt so natural, as if there was no other place that they should rather be. I embraced Ashley, and felt as every inch of her skin that touched mine spent waves of need through my body.


	15. Temptation

**Chapter 15**

**Temptation**

**Ashley's point of view:**

Loneliness.

People sorround you, but they don't fill that empty space that's in your heart. And that place has more power than you could possibly fight. You can't fight it, no.

Have you ever left a party on your own? When there are no friends around to support you, keep you safe?

Yeah.

I have.

You belong to everybody, but at the same time, you belong to nobody. You only realize the letter after you've sobered up enough to. And when you do, it crashes down on you like a 40 feet wave of the ocean that keeps pushing you under water. You're drowning, and eventually, you give in to it.

The drowning, I mean.

You stop trying to come to the surface. Why, you may ask. Because it's too hard. And people are weak.

I am weak.

I can't keep on coming to the surface for air when I know I'll just be pushed down into the water again.

We are all the same.

We don't fight for something that cannot be ours in the end.

…...

„I'm not in touch with my parents, even though I love my mother more than anything." I frowned a little at the half lie that just came out of my mouth.

Lying was not something I liked to do, but in order to keep people out of my business, I had to do it quite often. It bothered me to no end.

What bothered me even more is that I had to lie to Spencer. It felt like slapping the one you care about across the face. It made my heart sting with this unfimiliar feeling, that guilt and shame, disappointment even.

Lying to her made me feel disappointed in myself. But I did not want to involve her in my pathetic past that I couldn't seem to move on from, even after all these years. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me, I didn't mean for her to be hurting because of me. I knew it would change everything between us if she knew. Maybe she would just leave right at the spot. Things were too heavy to be talked about just yet.

So I went on with my little monolouge while she had this adorable concentrated look on her face. I needed her to know that I care about her, and if I had to share small, stupid details about me to make her feel it, then that's what I'll do. I don't know when it actually happened, all I could sense was that Spencer's arms were wrapped around my neck tightly, pulling me into a deep embrace of all kinds of emotions.

I smiled an uncertain smile as she seated herself across from me in the booth of the café.

She stayed quite, sipping on the coffee that I ordered her. She drank her coffe with loads of sugar and milk, while mine was just plain black. I loved my coffee black.

„I can't believe you're drinking it plain black. It's just horrible to even think of it." She said with a playful smile playing on her perfect lips.

„I love my coffee black" I stated smugly, as I chucked down a great amount of the hot liquid.

She shook her head slowly, a grin taking place on her face as her eyes pointlessly gazed the surface of the table.

„You're weird" she said a second later, but never stopped smiling.

„Why, thank you for the compliment" I said, mocking to be hurt by her words.

She snapped her head up to look at me.

„No, I uh, I didn't mean it in a bad way. You're weird as in, I like you weird. I like that you're weird. Good weird, like, interesting weird. God, I'm just gonna stop rambling." she sighed, her cheeks coating in a shade of pink.

Her rambling is just way too cute to be ignored.

„You're cute when you ramble, though."

And there it was.

Our little staring contest. There were no words that needed to be spoken, we just looked. Looked at each other so intently, I thought my heart was going to explode. These moments are usually the ones that make me want to just grab and kiss her senseless. There was this strong feeling that pulled me towards her, and it was so heavy on my heart, that I was afraid I would get carried away and have her run from me. We, with no vocal words however, agreed to be just friends. I blew my chance with her way long before, and I was aware of that. Maybe I'm glad that I did, so that no stupid break-up would push me away from her. Relationships end with break-ups, and I didn't want that. I wanted her to be around me for as long as a friendship can survive, which as far as I can tell, is always longer than a relationship. At least, that's what I've learned throughout the years. Throughout my childhood.

„_I love big butts and I cannot lie.." _Spencer grabbed her cell phone, thoroughly embarassed as the ringtone blasted through the speakers, catching the attention of the few people that were chilling at the café.

„.._deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring_"

„Shit" she muttered when her phone didn't seem to react to her clickin the green button to answer the call, the song went on and people started giggling around us. I couldn't help but laugh out, too.

„Oh my, Spence, really?" I shook my head with a shit-eating grin on my face.

I like this song.

Don't judge.

And it was fairly hilarious to hear it as Spencer's ringtone. I'm pretty sure though that she wasn't supposed to have that ringtone, at least she wouldn't have put that as one.

I cracked up again as she murmured 'Johnny..' with a playful pissed tone. I oficially like that dude.

„Hello?" She finally was able to answer her phone and the little crowd we have gained seemed to go back to their own business.

Even though the phone was not put on speakers, I could still clearly hear as a girl's voice nearly screamed at the other half of it.

„Ey, Spence! Bring your ass over to my place. We're having a little parteeey here" The girl had already one too many drinks, as I hear.

Spencer looked up at me with an apologetic smile, letting me know she was leaving me soon. I quirked an eyebrow and must've had a questioning look spread across my face because when she hung up, she started talking immediately.

„Uh, it was Alice. She's throwing a party and invited me over."

It felt soo good tho have her with me. Well, it was good while it lasted, it seems.

„Do you, uh, maybe wanna come with?" her voice híd a hint of nervousness but her smile assured me it was gone, as soon as my face lit up at her words.

„Sure" I quickly answered.

That Alice girl had a great taste in music. As Spencer pulled me into the house that was already filled with people grinding on each other on the dance floor Justin Timberlake's 'Rock your body' was floating through the speakers.

Spencer may not have realized that she started swaying to it as soon as we stepped in. It was way cute and..well, sexy. I nudged her playfully, grinning as she came up on that fact. The little dancing she did, I mean. She blushed.

**Spencer's point of view:**

A hand on my hip pulled me out of my thoughts as I figured that I really couldn't help it when it came to this song. It screamed 'grab a hottie and dance'. Really.

I felt Ashley's breath on my ear.

„May I have this dance, Miss Carlin?" her raspy voice kept ringing in my head. It was sexy as hell. God, I need to get a grip. Like, now.

I mean, is it really that bad that your 'so called' friend can turn you on by just speaking a few words in a lower tone than her usual?

Probably.

I decided to just let it go and cave in to the temptation of holding her close for a little while. My arms wrapped around her neck as one of her arms went around my waist, grabbing me tightly to herself.

Even though Ashley was a bit shorter than moi, she took the lead thorougly. God, was it this hot in here when we arrived or is it just me? There's not really an innocent way to dance to this song.

Now I'm not one to ruin the moments, but Ashley's hot breath on my neck and strong arm around my waist started to drive me completely nuts. I'm only human, after all..

And the way she moved..the way that _we_ moved toghether. I think I'm gonna hyperventilate soon enough.

Ashley couldn't have possibly known that I was slowly becoming mush in her tight embrace, and I'm sure she wasn't aware of the fact that my knees are going to give out any minute now.

The Universe had a vicious humor when it came to me, really. I _just _decided to ingore my more than friendly intentions towards Ashley, and it puts me into a situation like this.

I mean, seriously? Seriously..

I had to pull away. I think the sound of my erratic heartbeat made me act on my decision as I let go of Ashley and took a huge step back, bumping into another person who had drinks in their hand, that ended up on the floor.

Thanks to me.

Awkward.

Really smooth, Spencer. Make the whole room stare at you. All better now, congrats.

„Are you okay?" Ashley asked, stepping towards me, her hand on my arm.

„Yea, I uh, just need some air." I said, practically running out of the place.

This is no way to have a friendship. Being so attracted to her made it all seem impossible and I cursed myself for it. Seems that it's going to be harder than I thought, keeping her beside me as a friend.

I didn't stop walking away even when I heard her call out after me.


	16. All of You

**Why, hello there lovely people!:) Thanks for the feedbacks, you guys make me smile, like A LOT. Thanks for that. See, I said thanks twice. Whatever:D So I had this rush in me to get out another chapter a tad bit sooner this time. Hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I enjoy reading your reviews! Love to all of you:)**

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**Chapter 16**

**All of You**

I stood there, frozen in my tracks.

Spencer was, once again, walking away from me.

I felt my lips get dry and start shaking uncontrollably as tears welled up in my eyes, that knot in my stomach and throat suffocating me.

I called after her weakly, but as if she never heard it she went on, quickly taking a turn at the corner of the street, making me lose her from my sight.

Maybe I pushed too far, just how I predicted I would. And there she was, running from me.

I let the tears fall from my eyes. They surprised me so much that I had to touch my cheeks to make sure that I was, in fact, crying. I haven't cried since that horrible night. I couldn't let Spencer go like I did my mother.

I just _couldn't._

I shook my head, thinking that all these hurtful thoughts, all these insane associations that swirled inside would just fly out of it at the simple movement. I took a sudden step forward, stumbling a bit in my own foot. As I kept on walking, my steps became more determined and picking up my previously slow pace, I ended up running. Running after Spencer breathlessly, taking the never-ending turns to get to her house. I reached her front door which was open, the lights seemed to be on everywhere inside, and I heard shuffling. I sped up the staris and into Spencer's room to find her stuffing a huge luggage with clothes.

„What are you doing?" I asked, still out of breath. She did not turn to look at me, and didn't seemed phased by me appearing in her house either. She let out a sigh and mumbled something that sounded like 'I'm packing', but then again, I couldn't hear her clearly.

„Spencer?" I called out her name, so weakly and vulnerable that it even scared me.

She froze at the sound of her name leaving my lips in such tone and slowly turned around to finally face me.

„I can't do this any more." she exhaled, her words tiredly falling out of her mouth.

„Can't do what?" I managed to step further into the room, closer to her, even though my knees were about to give out.

„I need to, uh,..go. I'm leaving, Ashley." She said and emphasised her words by throwing another item of clothing into the luggage. I processed her words and my blood froze in my veins. As if my heart stopped pumping it all of a sudden.

„But..but you said you wouldn't..l-leave." My voice was just above a whisper, I felt completely destroyed.

„I'm sorry, I.." she struggled with herself to say more or just leave it at that. Eventually, she just went on. „I can't be near you, it's too much.

Now I was desperate.

„Spencer, I'm sorry. I.. whatever it is that I'm doing wrong, Spence, you name it and I'll stop. Please.."

I sounded weaker than I ever remember I did.

„It's not..Ashley, I _just_ can't."

My heart was stinging as her words reached me. I had to pull myself together and make her stay. So I stepped forward again, trying to be a tad bit closer to her. If tonight's the last time I see her, than I want to be at least as near her as possible. She, however, probably had the exact opposite in mind as she took a step back and sat on the easy-chair that was next to her bed.

I used to sit in that a lot when we spent the night talking here.

It's a comfortable chair.

I knew I was losing it very quickly so I shook my head again and ran my fingers through my hair, massaging my temple while pulling my hand back from the motion. I gulped, I believe audibly, and opened my mouth to speak.

It was now or never.

„You don't realize how much I need you." I stuttered out and she let her head fall down in her palms.

„Ash.."

„No, just listen," I copied her action by also hanging my head, feeling all the courage of looking at her leave me body. „Ever since I came here, I don't feel lost anymore.„

I breathed out ever so weakly. It was silent for a second. „And I'm asking you with no shame to stay with me, please. I don't care how pathetic I look or sound right now. I need you.." I cracked, not being able to finish whatever I was about to let fall out of my mouth next. I was in dangerous water. Opening up so much, letting her get the best of me. I must look like a stray puppy, looking for someone to feed me. I hate being a stray puppy. I don't want to be the stray puppy who anyone can kick if they'd like, because I belong to nobody. I'm not even making sense here any more, am I? I'm scared shitless, okay? Leave me be.

„You really don't get it, do you?" Spencer's voice rang sadly in the room. I've never heard her voice sound this sad. I narrowed my eyes, feeling so lost that I couldn't wrap my mind around what she was trying to tell me so cryptically, even if I wanted to. I mean of course I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I'm pretty sure my body was trembling by then.

„Whatever do you mean?" I scanned her face, trying to find the answer so hard that it started to give me a headache.

She pushed herself up, almost furiously rushing over to me, gripping my arms, pulling me closer to her. Her face was only inches away. My heartbeat sounded so off I thought I was gonna get a nice little heart attack right at the spot.

„I can't, because of this" she placed my palm on her chest. I looked at her confused, feeling both of our hearts beat almost out of our chests. My brain was ticking so hard but all I could think of that this is the last time I ever get to hold her hand or be near her at all. I couldn't pay attention to the actual scene that was unfolding in front of me, which I even though was a part of, I felt so out of.

She suddenly let my hands fall back with no control down next to my thighs, where they were naturally hanging before.

„You still don't get it." She sighed as she threw one last shirt into her lagguage. „I'm sorry" was all she said when I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. I knew that that was it, and right at the moment I felt like dying. There was really nothing left for me here if she's gone, too. She stepped closer to me again and opened her mouth, my watery eyes focused on her lips moving, trying to recognize the words that leave them, hardly succeeding.

"But I can't keep on lying to you, you're not just some friend to me, Ashley." She paused for a moment and all this stress made everything go silent and numb for me.

„_I'm in love with you."_ She pushed on every word carefully and my eyes widened when my brain decided to finally give me a break and actually process her words. I just stood there motionless, afraid if I moved, I would fall face first on the floor. I'm surprised I was actually still standing.

Spencer let most of the air out of her lungs before grabbing her lagguage, walking out of the room I stayed standing in, still.

I heard the engine of her car roar up, and it made me realize that this was my last chance to stop her. She paralized me with her words.

She loves _me. _

Spencer _**loves **_me.

I heard, more than felt my feet stumbling down the stairs, quick and quite wretchedly. Spencer had her eyes straight on the road ahead, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that even from this far it was visible that her knuckles were turning white from the pressure.

I just stood there in the doorway, looking troubled to what to do next. Spencer's eyes snapped up at me. I was trying so hard to signal her or shout out after her but I was incapable of doing anything. I just wished she would read my mind.

I believe that even if not my mind, she read the expression on my face that was screaming at her to come back.

Spencer jumped out of her car, shutting the door so loudly that it made me wince a bit. I felt so delicate, like I could just fall apart any minute. She hurried towards me, and right before I felt my legs go completely weak and useless, I was in her arms with her lips crashed against mine.

Spencer was kissing me and her secure arms were holding me close to her.

Almost falling back inside the house, Spencer was still holding onto me, her lips trailing soft kisses everywhere she could place them. All over my face, my hair, my neck, my v-neck t-shirt gaining her acces to my collarbone. My fingers found their rightful place in her blonde locks as I let out a moan.

„Ashley.." she whispered ever so gently into my ear, her hot breath leaving a wet spot on it.

„Y-yes" I managed to whisper back as she worked her way down my neck again.

„I want you" she said, her voice having a lower, raspier tone to it.

I couldn't contain my next moan at her words, trying to pull her closer to tell her it was okay. To my biggest surprise she pulled back. She stared me square in the eyes and pecked my lips softly.

„I want all of you.." she croacked out and gently stroked my face with the back of her right hand. The other was occupied by holding onto my waist, chaining me impossibly close to her own.

„Not just this." she drove her fingers down my neck gently, wrapping them around it and pulling me into her, ending the motion with a kiss on my forehead.

The hug she pulled me in after that was something I'll never forget.

She held me like I was the most precious thing she'd ever get to hold, stroking my hair softly as my face buried in the crook of her neck. Her heartbeat wasn't calm, no. But mine was dancing along with hers as I breathed in her scent and she, given that she was taller than me, placed kisses down on the top of my head, occasionally sniffing my hair.

It was a peacful embrace between two individuals who wanted nothing more than this particular embrace for months now.

It was a loving embrace between two individuals, who had care radiating off of them towards each other.

It was a warm and safe embrace between two individuals who wished no more than to be able to stay in this particular embrace as long as possible and look out for each other even if it ended.

It was a horrifying embrace between Spencer Carlin, the girl who's trying to break my walls down little by little, and me, who just carelessly let her grab a hammer for the job.


	17. Dear God, I'm terribly lost

**Hello there! So sorry for the long delay, I'm an ass. Also, I'm not quite happy with this chapter either, so I feel like an even bigger ass. Anyways, I hope it's still enjoyable, even if just a bit:) I aim to please, haha. So, I know I'm not supposed to, but I will promote my other story 'Addicted' a little here. Give it a shot if you're bored! Later, lovely readers!**

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**Chapter 17.**

**Dear God, I'm terribly lost**

**Ashley's Point of view:**

When I was young, I thought I had all the strength in the World. I felt powerful even with my short height and lack of actual dint. I believed I could defeat anyone, or anything. Maybe watching all those Jackie Chan movies made the impression of feeling invincible..

I don't know.

Maybe it was the naivety of a child, or maybe the lack of all these doubts in myself that I definitely have today, as a grown up woman.

Feeling strong and untameable is a state of mind. As a kid, you believe thoroughly what your brain tells you: that you're stonger, faster, better than any other kid on the playground, or the grown-ups around you for that matter.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way we lose this ability to shrug off our weaknesses, and we concentrate on them more and more to the point where we become just as weak as we imagine ourselves to be.

* * *

We layed on Spencer's bed, keeping a small distance. She hadn't touched me since the kiss. I guess she didn't want to push me, maybe she was scared that I'd run off again. There was no small talk, and I listened carefully to her breathing. When she thinks too hard, her breathing becomes a little ragged, a bit rough even. Other times, her breathing is soft and silent. Slow. Relaxing.

Her respiration picked up again and I managed to turn my head around to look at her, studying her face.

„What's up?" I whispered but she didn't bother to take her eyes off the ceiling.

„What do you mean 'what's up?'" she whispered back, her voice quite raspy from being quiet for hours now.

„You're thinking so hard, I find it hard not to be interested in what those thoughts are about." I answered, my voice matching hers.

She snorted and finally turned towards me, her whole body turning with her as she faced me.

„I don't know, Ash..I just, I guess I'm a little scared, you know." she reached out, her eyebrow raising a bit in question. I leaned into her touch.

„I know" I mumbled as her fingers brushed against my lips.

„20 questions?" Spencer sat up, suddenly hovering over me, making my hands automatically end up on her hips.

I snorted.

„Are we really going to be this cliché?" I raised an eyebrow as her eyes roamed over my face.

She rolled her eyes at my question, biting her lip in the process. Hell, Spencer Carlin and her sexiness. I admit, I've never felt so attracted to any other girl before. She repositioned herself, I believe feeling a little braver that I reacted to her getting closer to me with grabbing her. Her hands were resting each side of my head and she looked down at me. I swear to you she had not taken a breath until she broke the silence again half a minute later.

„Have you ever been in love?" She exhaled slowly.

„In medias res, huh?" I chuckled, but stopped as soon as I spotted the serious expression that took over her pretty face. „Never" I blurted out certainly but regretted it the minute it fell out of my mouth as her face fell and she slowly took her previous place beside me on the bed.

„I, uh..Spence-" I started but she cut me off.

„No, it's okay, I..I'm not expecting you to feel the same way about me. You feel what you feel, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, it was just a question." she smiled but it didn't reach her eyes, even in the dark I was sure of that. I sneaked an arm over her abdomen as I made myself more comfortable by turning my whole body towards the blonde sweetheart. Her breath hitched and I let a small smirk form on my lips. I loved having this effect on my dear Spencer. Hardly did she know that she had the very same effect on me, too.

„So what was the real deal with that girl? The redhead from the party who was pretty much all over you when we so fortunately encountered.." I puffed out, still feeling a little annoyed by the redhead.

„Oh, Sophie?" Spencer asked, unphased.

„Whatever her name is.." I pouted as she started drawing patterns on my arm that was draped over her stomach.

„Well, I'm not proud of what we had, but it is part of my past and you deserved to know about it. That's why I was honest with you the first time around when you asked about her.." she took a deep breath. „Sophie and I never been in a relationship. We basically just got together when there were itches to be scratched. It was purely sexual."

She gulped as I stiffened. Hearing this wasn't on my 'Best Discoveries' list, even though the information has already been told before.

„Oh" was the only thing my dumbfounded mind could come up with.

„You don't have to worry about her, if that's why you're asking. I'm pretty much engrossed with a certain brunette." She pulled me upon herself by my arm that was resting on her lazily, enjoying the sensation that her fingertips were causing. Our breaths mingled and my heart rate picked up, crazily pumping blood through my veins. Spencer's shaky, hot breath reached my ear as she spoke.

„You drive me crazy, Ashley," she whispered lowly against my ear, brushing her lips against it in the process. „Trust me, please" I could make out the double meaning in her words. But at the moment I was pretty occupied by trying to control my breathing that was so ridicously uneven. I was so affected even by just this slightest movement. Her lips found their way back to my earlobe as she gently bit down on it. Her hands sqeezed my hips, pulling me into her.

„S-Spence.." I half moaned out and it was just fueling the fire that was burning in both of us as she kissed behind my ear and then continued down my neck, occaisonally nipping at the skin there. Finding my pulse point, Spencer wasn't holding back anymore. Her hungry lips were everywhere after I hissed in pleasure of the feeling of her tounge on the sensitive spot. Her hands started roaming, and I couldn't push her away. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't something I've been anticipating.

She felt perfect against my body. Flipping us around, she was hovering over me again, her blue pools darkened with passion, lust.

Then she kissed me.

But it wasn't at all hurried or lustful. She was gentle, slow. Her tounge traced my bottom lip and I slightly parted mines to let her in. With my fingers tangled in her hair, we stayed like this for what felt like hours. Her hands stopped roaming, she was just holding onto me ever so gently.

Pressing her forehead against mine, Spencer spoke quietly.

„I want you to trust me thoroughly, Ashley. I'm not trying to be just a good fuck in your life, nor a best friend. I want to be more than that," she sighed and rolled off of me, grabbing a hold of my hand. After seconds of another comfortable silence, it was broke again by the beauty next to me.

„..Though I sure want to be a good fuck sometime ahead" she smirked at me and I couldn't help but laugh. I playfully slapped her arm and she let out an adorable 'ow' with the trademark Spencer Carlin-pout. I felt so free at that moment, like my past was erased for the time I was by the blonde's side.

Her cell rang and she clutched her heart dramatically, mocking to be startled badly by the sound of it.

„Spencer Carlin," she answered, her eyes finding mine. „Yes. Yes, I'm coming to get him then. Okay, thanks. Bye" she snapped her phone shut and smiled at me. „They're letting my brother out of the hospital. They just called that I can come get him if I'm free."

I looked at the clock. God, we spent the whole night talking and..well, making out.

It showed 6am and Spencer was already pulling her shirt off, making her way towards the bathroom.

„I'm gonna take a quick shower, do you mind coming with me? I mean not to shower, uh..to the hospital, but you don't have to, I just figured since you're here, with me, and.. God.."

I giggled at her rambling and got up from the bed, too, walking over to her. Her black laced bra was doing all kinds of things to me but I tried to focus on her- again- pouting face. I pecked her lips softly and it turned into a full-blown smile.

„Of course I'll come with you, silly." And with that I quickly swatted her ass and demanded her towards the bathroom.

The way to the hospital was spent with the radio turned on, and Spencer humming quietly to the songs that were played. She was so cute, with the little scowl as she was concentrating on the road while driving and then as the scowl disappeared and a careless, happy little expression took over her features when a song that she liked came on.

„_It's funny how she recalls what I can't remember now.." _she halfly turned towards me as she sang the words with a wide smile. It was a chilled little melody and quiet a happy tune.

„_But when her smile came back and I didn't feel half as horrible, she gave me a heart attack just because she looked so adorable" _

Spencer laughed as she finished the part that she later claimed to be her favorite of the song. I smiled genuinely at the girl that took my breath away for the hundredth time since we first met that chilly winter night. My heart never felt so flattered then at those moments she sang out the lyrics, looking straight at me, showing off her white pearls while doing so. I was completely swept off my feet, even though she was just messing around. I was about to tell her how she managed to make me feel, when she pulled up in the hospital's parking lot and quickly jumped out of the vehicle.

Following her in, emotions cursed right through me and it was starting to feel overwhelming as we made our way to the Psychiatry, hand in hand.

I decided to wait out in the hallway until they pack up and are ready to leave with her brother. Little did I know that it was the worst idea.

„Ashley, darling! Is that really you?!" the familiar voice made me cring. Suddenly, I felt phisically sick. My ears were ringing and I couldn't see straight.

„Hey, Ash! What're you doing in? I thought it was your day off. Oh, hi Spencer!" It was Avery, but at this point everything was smasing together. Voices, colours, questions..

„How are you dealing, Honey? Things are better now, right?"

„Ash, are you feeling okay? Spence, you guys came together?"

„Yea, uh, Ashley. Ashley," I felt Spencer's hand on mine but I violently shook it off.

„Look how pale you are, I knew I should've kept you in therapy for longer!"

Three people stood there, hovering over me, trying to get a freaking word out fo me and I felt numb, I could only concentrate on one voice.

„I told your social worker that you needed more time in therapy, but no! You had to go and leave when you turned 18, huh! Now look at yourself, Darling! Can't stand being in a hospital, can ya?" The old woman snickered a little at her own joke and both Spencer and Avery stood dumbfounded. „Here, my number. Call me and we'll figure something out for you." the voice that I so clearly knew told me, tossing a small card onto my lap.

„Ashley.." Spencer spoke softly, quietly. Her fingers brushing randomly on the top of my hand. „Baby..are you okay?" her voice was so gentle and she was stroking my thigh as if I could break any minute. I didn't want her to know about my pathetic past. And right the bitch comes and torpedoes everyhting. Spencer will be asking questions that I don't want to answer.

„I-I have to get to work, I'm sorry, but I can't go back home with you." Spencer stopped her ministrations on my leg and hand at my words. Avery, _of course, _cut right in.

„Nah, it's you're day off, go home, Romeo" was said with a wink by my precious colleague.

I stood up abruptly, brushing off Spencer's hand in the process.

„No, I just checked and I'm in for today." I hissed through my teeth and Avery backed off.

Spencer stared at me with such sadness in her eyes that it broke my heart.

„So, I guess I'll see you later" she mumbled and started making her way after her brother, who already took off towards the entrance. I grabbed her wrist.

„Until then.." I whispered against her lips before kissing her deeply. She moaned quietly into my mouth and wrapped her arms around my neck for a brief moment, before letting go and leaving with a smile on her face.

It ached my heart that even though that was all I wanted to do, I couldn't smile back.

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**Reviews are very much appreciated!:)**


	18. Love me like You do

**A\N: Sooooo...I know It's been forever, but I got this job at a Ryanair call centre and it's taking up all my time. I hope this chapter will somehow make you happier about the hiatus.**

**Chapter 18.**

**Love me like You do**

I swiftly opened the door with the extra key Spencer gave me. Without further thinking, or over-observing I quickly entered her bedroom. She was sprawled out on the bed, with her blonde hair covering her pillow. I smiled at the sight, my heart speeding up I approached her, leaning down to get to her level.

„Spence," I whispered against her soft cheek, her name was followed by a gentle peck. She stirred a bit, just enough to nuzzle into my neck. I sighed, breathing out silently, planting another kiss, this time on her pulse point.

„Ash.." her raspy voice broke the silence and a content smile took its place on my face.

„Hey" I smiled down at her, kissing her -still closed- eyelids.

„What time is it?" she rasped out again and it made a shiver run down my spine.

I didn't answer, just kept holding onto her gently and finally a smile made its way across her face as well as she opened her eyes and examined me.

She leaned up and gave me a soft, brief kiss.

„Would you mind having a hot – and preferably naked – brunette over for the night?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows playfully.

She laughed quietly, pinching my arm with a mocked disapproving look.

Then she smirked knowingly and continued, looking around as if searching for something.

„And where is that hot brunette you're preaching about?" I narrowed my eyes at her and she gave a hearty laugh at my expression, then stroked my face gently.

„Ashley," her voice softened when she said my name and it made my heart swell.

„Spencer?" she giggled and pulled me down on top of her, closing me into her arms.

My hands found her hips, stroking the skin under her beater. She sighed, what sounded like a content sigh and ran her fingers through my hair. I could tell how our moment went from playful to serious as even the air I was breathing became filled with some kind of a tension that I'm sure she felt, too.

Feeling a sudden boldness come over me I lifted myself a bit, attaching my lips to her sweet skin on her neck roughly, driving my hand up under her top, slowly feeling her perfect, small figure under the palm of my hand. The hitch of her breath signalled that it was either very good or I overstepped a boundary.

She moaned into my ear, her lips brushing against my lobe and she gently bit down on it afterwards.

My mouth made its way upwards, finding her chin in the process, sweeping over her perfect jaw and landing on her lips.

I felt her hand against my shoulder and she breathed out my name faintly.

„Mhm?" I managed to get out between small kisses.

„I-uh," she let another moan escape her, which made me run my hand down her thigh to her knee, starting its way back up slowly. But the pressure on my shoulder got stronger and I knew it meant she really wanted to say something. Giving her mercy I stopped my ministrations and with a last kiss to her forehead I looked into her eyes.

„I need to ask you something" she finally said, denying her sweet lips from me.

„Ask away" I offered with a gentle smile, brushing a hair out of her face.

„At the hospital yesterday..." she began and I knew what was coming. I rolled off of her, taking the empty space next to her on the bed and let out a puff of frustrated air.

She put her hand over mine, softly stroking the skin as she continued.

„When she left and you stood so abruptly, the card with her number on it fell on the floor and I..I called her Ashley."

I snapped my head to her direction with wide eyes.

„You what?" I asked, a bit harshly and it even made me cringe. Spencer flinched at my tone.

„I..look, I don't know what's going on with me, okay? Since I've met you my life's been crazy, it's turned upsite down and you never really give anything away. Sometimes I feel so stupid because I'm here, head over heels in love with you when to tell the truth i hardly know anything about you, Ash. I just know that I love how you're so caring and whenever I'm with you I feel this safety net wrapped around my soul, and yes, sometimes you overreact and you have terrible mood-swings but I even love those because I think you're so cute when you try to scowl.."

She let out a puff of air, smiling seemengly at the picture in her head about it and shook her head a bit, maybe at herself, I wasn't sure.

„I felt this horrible urge to call that woman, because she seemed to know a lot about you.."

She rambled and I could see in the way she shook her head slightly again that she felt bad about the whole thing, pathetic even. I didn't want her to feel that way, but instead of saying anything I just stared at the ceiling, playing with the sheet underneath my palm.

I was feeling vulnerable and at ease at the same time. As she stroked my cheek, her finger just barely there, but still making slight contact with the my skin I sighed, kind of feeling defeated.

„What did she tell you?" I asked, finally finding my voice to speak.

„Not much, really." Spencer scoffed and I could hear it from the tone she used that she was beyond annoyed with the woman because of that fact.

That made me twitch my lips upwards a tiny bit, but the situation was heavier than to be smiling about some nonsene, like how Spencer slightly scrunches her nose up when she's annoyed, and how cute that looks on her, but on everybody else it would be very unattractive.

„She was really cryptic even about the _nothing_ she told me." she finished and then leaned back, taking her hand away from mine. I instantly felt coldness sweep over me.

After a couple of minutes in silence – which I knew Spencer wanted me to fill with explanation and answers – she exhaled loudly and gave me a look of desperation. My heart was beating out of my chest from the pressure I felt I was under.

But I knew I couldn't go on without filling Spencer in on everything.

„Spencer, I.." my throat was dry, I could hardly get the words out.

Spencer looked at me with an expression that told me whatever I was about to tell her would be okay. Her eyes spoke a thousand words and I instantly calmed as she pressed a simple kiss to my temple.

I did not even register myself speaking, how every single detail passed my trembling lips about the very night my whole life's changed and I became the person who I am today.

Partly I was proud.

Proud that I made it without crying or having an anxiety attack in front of the blonde.

And partly - or should I say mostly - I felt like I was going to fall apart again.

As if that something (what other people call a wall, but I'm pretty sure it's more like a rope, that is tangled tightly around your body to keep you from falling to pieces) which was keeping me together had just disappeard.

Spencer's jaw did not drop.

Spencer did not have accusation in her eyes, nor pity.

She did have tears though, but she did not let them fall. She just looked at me, staring intently at my face as if she was searching for something.

„Spence..say something. Please."

She smiled a little at the nickname - like she usually does - which brought such normalcy to the situation, that for a second it didn't even feel like I just shared my darkest secret with her.

„You're such an amazing person, Ashley. I-uh.." she trailed off, running a hand through her ruffled bed hair.

„I want you to know that I've never met somebody like you, and hell I don't even care how cliché this all will sound, but I love everything about you. And it may sound horrible, but I'm not scared or confused because of what you just told me, I believe that this has made you who you are today and.. I love _her_ very much." she ended with a shy smile.

A small smile formed on my lips, never knowing someone could take my story and just turn it all around with a sentence.

Spencer lifted my chin so I was looking into her deep blue eyes which were so full of emotion, I swear they were changing shades.

„I'm so sorry you lost your Mom.. but I want you to know that you're not alone anymore. And I think that what you did was the bravest thing I've ever heard of. I know that you loved her more than anything but Ash..it's time to open your heart for more than one person. And I'm not even talking about myself in particular," she added with a short laugh before going on. „but the thing is..I don't want to be without you, Ash.. I need you and I hope you need me just a little bit, too."

I never noticed how the tears had washed my face thoroughly until Spencer wiped one away gently with her thumb, scooting closer to me in the huge bed.

I knew it was coming, and it was as untsoppable as a high-speed rail. Cupping her face in between my palms, I leaned only a breath away from her.

„I love you, too, Spencer" I whispered against her soft lips before crushing them against mine.

**Review while you're at it..please:P**


	19. Sex and white lies

**Hiya, people! First off, thank you irishinkjunkie1024, your kind words inspired this chapter :) Second, uh.. I didn't think this through enough. Just hope you'll enjoy, now on with the story:)**

**Chapter 19.**

**Sex and white lies**

Spencer's point of view

„I love you, too, Spencer" she whispered against my lips. I thought I heard it wrong for a passing breathless moment, but it all cleared out as she moved forward.

I could taste the salt from her tears on her lips as she crashed them against mine and we fell back on the bed. She landed on top of me ever so gently but my breath still got caught.

„Spence, I-"

„It's okay, just let go" I breathed and there was a swift nod before she claimed my lips again.

This kissed held everything for me. The truth, I could say, but that would be way too simple to put it.

It finally assured me of not being the only one here having these unbelievably strong, sometimes suffocating feelings. It proved all of my second guessings, doubter thinking wrong.

It made my heart swell and grow so big that I was having trouble believing I can contain myself from drowning in it all.

Though I still know that Ashley has a lot to deal with. There's still so many things that I can practically feel she's keeping in.

And that is not healthy.

I would tell you exactly what my thoughts are on how to help her get through everything, but a swift movement of one brunette's hand made me forget all about it. I am terribly sorry.

Ashley's right hand made its way down in between us and roughly tugged on my jeans, trying to unbutton them.

„Ash?" I whimpered her name, hardly audible though. My heart and mind were just restless. I needed to know if she really wanted to take things further. I wasn't the best at keeping it in my pants at the beginning of this crazy relationship, or whatever you'd like to call it. I just want to make sure she's okay with us, with this.

„Mhm?" she moved back to lash on my neck, leaving gentle kisses there, before biting down on the skin.

_That_ will leave a mark.

She seemed like she was in a hurry.

Before I knew it I was ridden of my jeans.

She was driving her hands up my sides under my shirt. I couldn't stop the moan that's been building up ever since her lips touched mine.

„I love you so much" she whispered against my cheek and I noticed the wetness on hers.

I put a hand against her shoulder and pushed her back gently so that I could look at her face.

Her tear-strained face.

Ashely's eyes were closed, silent tears still making their way down her perfect cheekbone.

„Ashley.."

„No, Spencer! I want this, I need this, I just.." she reached down to my waist and grabbed me, pulling me into her thoroughly. With her face buried in my neck, we seemed to melt into each other.

It's ridiculous really, how well our bodies fit together.

„I want you to know that I want you. I need you to feel it how much." She spoke into the side of my neck, making me tickle a bit but I didn't show it.

„You don't have to prove anything to me, Ashley. It's okay if you're not ready."

She collapsed on top of me.

Heartbreaking sobs sook her body as I was holding onto her tightly.

„Shh" I kissed her hair then continued brushing through it gently.

After a while all I heard was her even breathing. I placed a soft peck on her cheek.

„I love you,"

* * *

Ashley's point of view

„So you finally told her"

„I did"

„How does it make you feel?"

„I don't know."

„What's that supposed to mean?"

There was a brief silence before I opened my mouth to speak again.

„Do you remember that party I told you about?"

„The one where you got wasted at her house and she had to tuck you in?" Avery smirked at me with a knowing look plastered on her face.

„Yes." I nodded and she let out a half sigh, half yawn.

„I do"

„Do you remember-"

„Cut to the chase, Ashley" Avery groaned and sipped on my coffee.

Yes. My coffee.

Let me break it down for you a bit, shall I.

It's 3 in the morning, and we are sitting in the nurse room.

Having these talks with her still feels quite bizarre, considering I haven't shared my personal life details with anyone for the past 15- or so years. But I was just getting familiar with this whole sharing thing.

In all sense of the word.

I grabbed the cup from her and motioned between me and the coffee in my hand.

„Do you not remember who offered you freshening bevarage?"

She pouted and nodded, looking down feigning embarrassement.

„Thought so."

I had one rule, really. If you're asking for it and for whatever thoughtless reason I decide on telling you a story, it doesn't matter if it's the stupidest story you will ever hear or if it's the most important thing that I could possibly get off my chest, you have to listen to the whole thing. From start until the end, thoroughly. There is no half the story, there is no in medias res, there is no 'Wait, I have to use the bathroom, I'll be back in a sec' in the very middle of it. I really do hate that. Don't ask if you don't care, right? But I know that that's not the reason Avery was so impatient, she just did a double shift and I understand, but rules are rules.

Avery nodded her head again at me to continue where I left off and I let a small smile slip at how childlish she looked like, curled up in an uncomfortable hospital chair, with eyes half closed, but ears perked.

„I don't feel like she deserves a person like me. I..I'm just not enough, you see. She's amazing, so caring and beautiful inside and out."

I rambled on about Spencer for a while, sounding like a 16 year old girl, falling in love for the first time.

„She's just so great, you know. And here I am. Who am I anyway? I don't want to ruin her, too. " I whispered the last part and glanced back up, now at a sleeping Avery.

I sighed.

„I came here because of her, you know. For her." I continued in the lowest voice possible. I just had to get it off my chest. The fact that she had fallen asleep made it even better, because I'm not sure I was really ready to share this information with anyone, other than the seemingly empty rooms of this hospital.

„On that cold night, I remember that was the first snow fall of the year..she, uh, appeared from nowhere and saved me. And as she was not _just_ a girl, he - my attacker - was not _just_ a man either.."

„Davies, come help me, patient in room 204 is having a seizure again." came the rushed voice of Dr. Gill. I groaned silently and got up and out of the nurse room, leaving Avery with a plaid thrown over her body.

Why is being honest so hard? I mean, it's the truth you're telling, why would telling the truth be hard?

It's not that you don't want to say it, it's just the way your stomach churns and your mouth gets dry every single time you want to form the words to say it. The fact that it is making you _phisically_ sick to even consider sharing everything.

But it keeps tugging at your heart, your mind is always pre-occupied with the truth.

Even if it is in the very back of it, it's still there.

You can't get rid of it, _you just can't rid of it_.

And so you consider yourself a liar.

You are.

A liar.

And then you let out a sarcastic kind of snort and move on.

Because telling the truth is always harder than to just make up a simple white lie.


End file.
